Erasmus Tries to Pull A Fast One on Dan D. Walker

It was an unusually hot June.—The sun shone feriously over Erasmus Nutley. His slow deiberate walk reflected his single mindedness. How he’d give Dan D. his justdeserts. The man mood slightlyy perked up. His tall, bony body was clothed in thriftshop wear . Discount store clothes were too extravagant. His steps were slow , deliberate, as he trudged along the pavement and streets. Daniel Delbert walker and ultimately proving Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze was a reprehensble fake. His lanky arms swung back and forth clockwork like The curmudgeon constantly pursed his thin lips. He grasped his wooden cane tightly to make certain it supported his frame. Tje ongbirds chirpinggave him a splitting headache.
“Out of my way, you squirrels, you stray dogs. Don’t you know you’re in my way. Nutley snapped wildly flinging his arms and his cane as he tried his best to swat the pests surrounding himk “You dumb creatures. Keep away from me you toads, you gnats, you flies before I swat you with my pine knot cane Get awat from my path you low down dirty critters. None of you are going to stop me from my goal of directing my wrath with Lady Lynda and Daniel D. Walker. You varmins can just fade away. I didn’t walk such a long way for nothing” he snapped.
Her eyes opened wide in disbelief. He finally reached his goal. The man felt hs walking stick wobble as he suddenly lost his balance and fell rather ignomiously on his keester. Yet even with this ignoble fall he simply dusted his hand me down clothes, got up and breathed a short sigh of contentment. That was the extent of his expression of joy.
Across the street was airport gate. Now all he needed to do was to find the air traffic controllers office. With new found but guarded optimism the man marched a few yards until he saw a checkpoint. He read the sign “Check here first before entering” Its the law”
Erasmus Nutley groaned as he noticed those words. “Harummph Goverment red tape. Oh one more example of putting the ogre in progress. ” I detest beauracracy” But what can I do except do what it says Its worth it if I can show up Lady Lynda for what she is. A damn fool”
Nutley walked up to the checkpoint on his best behavior. He tried to fake a sincere smile but as he tried his face began to feel like it was cracking. The man wiped his brow as sweat poured down his forehead. He tried to remember the comic Fred Allen quote “If you can fake sincerity you got it made” At least he figured if he got it wrong it was close enough.
Finally, shaking like the last leaf on a tree, Nutley stood his ground. He put his entire weight on his sturdy cane. The man looked straight into the eye of the young whippersnapper of a female attendent. He told her in no uncertain terms to let him in.
“Glory be !” she cried, as she leaned her elbow against the sill of the opening of her stand. Whiie she tried to bes to stifle a guffaw, her left hand wiped her brows. “Look here. LIke I’m supposed to let you enter just because you want me too. Tou need to ID. Whatcha got on ya? ”
Erasmus felt his mood sunk as low as a seashell at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Here was the one place he could challenge Dan D. and Lady Lynda but now he needed to reach into his pockets and produce identification. Oh the unfair beauracracy he mumbled to himself. He loathed goverment red tape
“Don’t look at me sir with that scowl. I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them. Security is very tight here with all the rash of airplane passenger terrorism. ”
Erasmus Nutley shut his eyes to filter out any distractions so he try to come up with a plan. . He pointedly pointed his cane at her as if it was a deadly weapon. The woman in the booth immediately began to signal other members of security.
The man quickly let down his walking stick. He told her he was frustrated by their stupid rules. All he wanted to do was to see a certain cointroller. He didn’t mean any harm to her or anyone there. Was there a way to show who he really was?

The young woman thought for a few minutes. Then she asked was there anything he could show that proved who he was?

Nutley then pulled out his pocket a electricity bill. The woman accepted and let him enter.
The codger greatly relieved continued on toward the controller section
“This wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be” complained Nutley as he walked on. He was tired from his walking but there was no time to rest. He came to far to back down. His goal he reflected was far to crucial to ever give up It was late in the afternoon with the first signs of darkness but no matter what time it, no matter how dark it was , he come too far to turn back. He would make his way and that was all he needed to know.
He was thankful there was no rain. The man constantly looked both ways as he continued his path. Once he confronted Walker he could sleep soundly. He would be at peace….at last.
He passed through several airline company hangars until he noticed the air traffic controller office. It was like it was calling him. The misanthrope shook his head in disbelief There it was directly in front of him His chance to give D.D. Walker his comeuppance.
Just then from the corner of his eye Erasmus Nutley glaned a tall tawny skinned , slender woman. At first it looked as if she was merely passing through. Then not far behind wa s Dan D. Walker shuffling his feet to his own persoinal beat. .Erasmus signed him over but he kept on dancing and happily smiling.
He closed hus eyes, reached out his hand, and shook Dan D’s hand. Walker instantly noticed how cold Walker’s hand was. If was like the coldness reflected the iciness of his heart The Texan immediately knew Erasmus was up to no good. Dan D.’s mood plummeted.
“What are ya here fer. Bet its not to give me good news. The cotroller cackled. “Ah senses its something none too pleasing to me I may be gettin’ old but I still can sense when somethig is up. You know what ah mean?”
Erasmus stomped his feet like an overgrown elf who realized how happy he felt that he realized the realization of what he came for. Here was proof that he, Erasmus Nutley was right. Now the only thing left to do was to give this cracker controller the bait.
Then Nutley went on, swinging his cane side to side like a methodical pendulum. The way his steady glared stared through to D. D. it felt to the other man Nutley was looking through him, clear throgh from his front to his back and beyond. At last his intermineble stare came to an end, Erasmus Nutley propsed a wager to Walker He told the controller he’d grease his palms with silver. Dan D. Walker told he was concerned the silver would make his skin blue. He said he knew of a man who become permanately bluish because he used colloidal silver.
“I can’t believe how idiotic you are.” sneered Erasmus.
“Can’t believe you’d take me seriously. I was joshing you… Seriouslys” retorted Dan D.

The codger stood there for a few minutes thinking of what to do next . He thought of calling the numbskull’s bluff but he tried to think of other options he could try too. Clearly Walker was bluffing him.
“What the heck Nutley You took the trouble to track me down. So what are ya askin fer? I kin tell you’re not exactly ready to praise me”

Nutley vigorously shook his head side to side. Then he stomped his left foot to emphasis his distrust and rage. The very next moment he was completely silent and motionless. His expression was as hollow as scooped out kayak

Erasmus noticed there was a slight grin on the Texan’s face. The old codger dismissed the expression as another example of the simplemindedness of the clueless air controller. It was clearly nothing to worry about.
“You are a hoot Erasmus. You are the rootin, tootinest hoot my eyes ever did see. I know what you’re trying to do to me. Well I got your number and your numbers are counted. You went here to show me up. Well its not gonna be workin fer ya. Its been over a year since I was here and I ain’t never got any airplanes into even the most minor of mishaps. Mah accent I realze sounds strange to ya but my boss thinks I speak clear enough. Ain’t never no got any complaints. So you can shoo on right along. Maybe ah ain’t as sophisticated as you but I do what I need to do here and that;s good for everyone here. ”
By his triumphant expression Erasmus Nutley knew he was licked.

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A Lady Do What a Lady Do, MIZCAROL


“Miz Carol, you aint know what the young people does wid theyselves thesedays.  The lil’ gals they wearin’ coloredbracelets to say what kinda sex they do. They calls it the Hookup and they thinks they aint gittin’ hurt. Theyall ho’s suckin’ ‘em off on the bus and all,” said Miz Flora Belle, AuntieCarol’s maid.


“Flora Belle, no lady would ever do that, Flora Belle.  I feel faint. Hand me my smelling salts!”

“A lady, do what a lady do, Miz Carol,” retorted the maid offhandedly.

“But what about chivalry and..and female pride?”

“Down the toilet, Miz Carol.  Igots to feed my kids, Bye Miz Carol.”


Auntie Carol, a paunchy, middle aged dowager, thought a about THE WAY ITSHOULD BE.

In her fevered little, 50’s etiquette brain she came up with a CodeSupremo.

1)     Girls, never part your legs unlessyou see a wedding ring dangling from his hand.

2)     A girl only needs face powder,lipstick, smelling salts & her keys in her purse.

3)     A boy must ring the doorbell &tell your dad his intentions B4 a date.

4)     Never accept Zircon for an engagementring.  Diamonds or else!

5)     The line is under the breasts and nofurther.  Not on first date.

6)     Boys WANT to respect U.  They’re hoping you’ll say “NO”.

7)     If you “neck” keep quiet.  Your reputation is at stake.

8)     Don’t ask your mom for birth controlpills.  Don’t have sex.

9)     Tell your husband no to oral sex:you’re not a whore.

10)   Turn out the light when U havesex: you’re not a whore.

“These simple rules will save Western Civilization.  PFFT,” said Auntie Carol who rocked herselfto sleep with a Winnie the Pooh book & a cup of warm milk.  Flannel is the New Sexy.


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Lady Lynda and Seymour Toze are deliriously happy for Dan D. and Desiree

Lady Lynda enjoyed her back being massaged by her doting husband. She breathed languidly as she felt the firm pressure of his finger tips upon her tense spine. Her tenseness gradually disappeared. Seymour Toze’s wife gazed at the Victorian style Guardian angel painting on the wall directly opposite her. She noticed was how her wings hovered over the girl and boy and immediately was reminded how protective Toze was of her.

Her gaze at the painting intensified. Her eyes stared at the guardian angel’s wings hovered over the care free children. The woman began to notice there was a missing piece of the wooden bridge. The boy and girl were just past that gap. That’s what made the artwork so enchanting to Lady Lynda. It reminded her of how the little things mean so much to a marriage.

Seymour Toze meanwhile, noticed by the corner of his left eye , Lady Lynda wriggling, jiggling with delight in his strong arms. She moved to a rhythm that she was privy too. Seymour sensed her pleasure wasn’t slowing down any time soon. Toze thought for a moment still massaging his spouse , Lady Lynda suddenly jumped.

Mr Toze slowly inched his way toward those ten delightful pretties. He excitedly pictured himself giving those appendages a good tongue lashing. Seymour’s wife sighed as she imagined his Chi passing through like a dynamic lightning bolt through her Chakras. She thought of how wondrous it was her lovey dovey to tell her of the energy points of one’s spine. How sensual, how energizing and balancing.

“Ah yes, sweet ,bungling Daniel.” Lady Lynda declared. The Texan first introduced as being part of the “World’s Cheapest Freakshow” in that nasty named town in Amish country PA. Before coming to me he complained nobody understood him. I mean literally noone could comprehed a word he said. His accentwas as thick as maple syrup. He was considered a freak because while some Texans talk with strong accents, his was by far the strongest.”

Meanwhil eSeymour pressed down on his wife’s knobby tense spine. She smiled with delight. Toze replied he’d be delighted if he could feast upon her lower pretties sticking out at the end of her feet. Lady Lady replied I remember you lovingly stared at my toes when we first met in swim class in high school. Back then they were on the pudgy side Speaking of pudge I bought some no pudge fudge the other day. ”

“My dear Lady Lynda you’re changing the subject and I strongly suspect deliberately so. Lets not permit any bavardage. That is foolish, nonsensical talk. Can I help it if when I was twelve I observed a girl near my age rub her toes in front of me? She looked so delighted to me. I noticed how she breathed deeply with such happiness. She really….I mean really scratched her toesies. Later she told me it was athlete’s foot but by then that amourous image forever. I never dreamed I’d see such glorious toes until my lucky eyes laid down upon yours.”

“Oh Seymour you sure know how to compliment a lady I love the way you don’t boondoggle”

“Yes I sure do and your well worth it my hunny bunny dearest one. Your middle name of Honey fits you perfectly. You’re as sweet as sugar candy. Oh speaking of candy makes me so hungry. I’d love to feast on your precious tens. I thought you were utterly beautiful the moment I met you that fateful summer high school day”

Lady Lynda quickly turned around and began to observe her husband’s glint in his eyes. She definitely noticed the eagerness in his expression. She hoped he’d remember there was much to her than her toes. Suddenly the couple heard through their window heard some of the lyrics from Starland Vocal Band “Afternoon Delight” Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite” “Oh that is so improper. What ever happened to “Dance with me Henry”? Pop music is so distasteful. What ever happened to that delightful music of Lawrence Welk? Yes when there were melodies, harmonies and tasteful lyrics. Tasteful music went gone with the wind with Elvis Pretzel. Such disgusting gyrations. Oh Seymour Please sing to me” ”

“What do you want me to sing my dearest darling Lady Lynda? ” I’d love you to serenade me Sister Rosetta Tharp’s “Rock me in the cradle of our love”
“Oh I did so much good for Dan D. I deserve you to serenade me and to hold me tight. Oh you feel so good.”

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Dan D. Walker and Desiree Lee go to Lady Lynda’s Talk

The cavernojus room’s stucco  walls were painted an off kilter white. The not quite white gave the space an uneasy atmosphere.   The place was immaculate with absolutely no liyyrt on the black. white and scarlet  linoleum floor.  The combination of the walls and floor gave the site a rather sterile atmosphere.    The building where the room was was situated between the local city hall and the municipal police station.  Nearby was the main chain book store.   The interior of the room with its rows of sturdy metal and leather seat chairs was one of firm orderliness.    As if it held power over whoever was in it.

The setting came across to most patrons there as being one of anticipation.   The main door swung open to let in more guests of the lecturer  Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze.   Dan D. Walker and his lady friend sat near the front. Dan D. wore  a periwinkle blue paisley silk shirt underneath a silver hued fancy vest .   His leather belt bucket was oversized in gold leaf wth a silhoette of Texas.  His blue jeans went well with his slate grey wool tuxedo jacket.  On his head he proudly wore a genuine Stetson hat.  His boots were complete with real spurs and were of real rattlesnake skin.  Walker wanted to make certain he could hear his mentor’s every word so he could show Desiree Lee  exactl . how wonderful Lady Lynda was.

Desiree Lee Meriweather’s dress was mid way between her knees and ankles. It’s material was that of cotton and lace. There was a print of pink and powder blue little flowers.   Her full length sleeves ended in frilly Belgian lace. Her neck line was trimmed the same way .  It  consisted of six buttons so she could be as prim or daring as she chose.  Her choice was to be sexy but still be a lady.

It was quite stuffy there but the couple  didn’t mind a bit.   They were chomping  at the bit to hear the etiquette expert begin her talk.  Walker put his manly arm around his lady friend’s slender sloping shoulders.   The woman took a confident breath and swung her slender arm over his right shoulder too.

The window shades were drawn  to keep out the glaring sun outside.   This gave the room quite a sense of disquietude.   Conversely the patrons were thankful the brilliant light could not be shown its full strength

Desiree Lee Meriweather and the Texan sat  arm and arm united . Walker wore his fancy black tux with white Texan style threads and a black bolero tie.  His boots were genuine snakeskin.  Desiree’s dress was cotton gingham with a print consisting of fluer de lises.  They sat in the third row of twenty rows.  They wanted to be certain they heard every single word of the lecturer but still give the  woman space.    The couple and others were glad the air conditioning was finally switched on.  And that the sound was low enough not to  drown out the guest speaker’s words.  A  young man dressed in business casual told the crowd the talk would begin at most in five minutes.
Dan “I wonder what her talk is on?  You sure seem impressed with this lady.  I can’t wait for the AC to kick in   Sure is hot in here.   Feels like hell in here.

Wish we could guzzle down some cold Lone Star beer right now.
‘Big ones?  Big refreshing mugs.  Two big ones.  The way they were positioned right in front of him  , the mugs reminded Dan D. of his lady friend’s firm shapely jugs.

The woman with Dan D.  moved her lips as if she guzzling a refreshing mug of beer.   Dan D. Walker laughed at her imitation of drinking a mug of beer . He gave her a Texas style bear hug.  Looked at her with fondness and said lets head for the hills when the talk is over.   I can hardly wait for Lady Lynda to get out on that dern stage.

“Perfect timing Dan.   There she is now entering the stage.   Right then and there Lady Lynda primly entered the stage.  She was of medium height and stocky build.  Her brocaded rose printed satin suit hid pretty well her stocky build.  Her pumps clickity clacked noticeably on the polished oak wood floor.
‘”Good evening ladies and gentlemen  My talk is on  the issue of antinomy.   That is the presence of contradicting ideas from two equally knowledgeable experts.   Its not to be confused with antimony.   Antimony is a toxic metal. ….
“You sayin’ your anti money  What do you want Lady.  To go back to the barter system?  Hell yeah I work hard for my money.   As Barrett Strong sang “They say the best things in life are free but you can give them to  the birds and bees. I want money. That’s what I want.  Moneyyyyy That’s what I want.

Lady Lady tried  her utmost to get back her composure.
“Moving on lets continue.  I said antinomy not that other word”  she told the crowd fearful if she mentioned antimony she’d get the same or similar reaction.

Touched by his mentor’s plight Dan D. Walker shed a tiny tear down his cheek in sympathy of his mentor.   How could the crowd be so ignorant?    His face turned red with rage .  He wanted so much to show his lady friend how impressive Lady Lynda was.

The server came over and asked ‘Do you want your beer on the rocks.?’
‘I don’t know,’ Dan D. lady friend replied.  Its hard for me to concentrate now.  Those ignoramuses are making a mockery of that woman .
‘It’s all right.’ U;n sure she can handle it the pert server responded trying to be reassuring.

“I’ve seen dang thing but this sure takes the cake.  Especially when all Lady Lynda is doing is trying to help people better themselves.   I got to do something about this.
‘Yes  Dan  This experience is leaving a sour taste in my mouth”
‘Cut it out you hooligans,  you scoundrels.   You are the most uncouth folks I ever did see.”
‘Mind your own beeswax ’ one goth young woman said. . ‘I was being amused. I was having a fine time.’
‘Gosh dern you young lady this is my business.. You young folks don’t appreciate this kind, thoughtful woman trying her best to school ya. ”

The very next moment her husky six feet one boyfriend came marching over.  Dan D. Walker got out his chair and rose to his full manly six feet four height.  He gazed directly at the lady’s man   The young man instantly knew when he was licked.

‘All right. I was trying to protect my woman   I  know I’m no match for her.  Wasn’t too bright  of was it.”
“That was the brightest thing you ever said” replied Walker”
“Now lets listen to Lady Lynda’s talk in peace  You might learn to be a better man and your lady friend a better, more considerate woman.   ”

Lady Lynda smiled with gratitude and continued edifying the audience who were grateful for her edification.

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Part 2 Grand Long Horn Hotel Encounter.

“Marry me you great big hunk of Texas manhood.”  the outlandish woman repeated to Dan D Walker.   We could live in my house.  I’m sure you’d feel right at home  My bedroom  contains a queen size Four Poster bed complete with a warm cozy comforter. Its warm earthy colors I know you’ll love. Just enogh room for the two of us.  I’m sure we’ll both feel so cozy in bed together.  And that’s only the beginning  I’m certain you know what I mean”

Her description of her sleeping area piqued Walker’s curiosity.  “What else you got in that bedroom of yours?” he drawled cautiously intrigued.   She was now becoming a teensy bi tmore appealing to him.   But just a teensy bit he firmly reminded himself.

“Well for one thing its very rustic.  The wall directly behind the good sized bed is made  of real oak wood paneling  Its from a tree native to the “Lone Star” state.   Its polished but it still looks really rugged.   The front posts are of knotty pine embedded in the wood wall.  Right on the wall is a rack made just for your favorite hunting rifle.  A big rugged man like you hunts?  Don’t you?  NRA all the way.  There’s lots of warm colored throw pillows that are the hues of  Autumn on a clear full moon night.  I’d love cuddling next to you  you epitomy of Texan masculinity   I bet your glorious manhood is as big as Texas.   I’d sure love to find out.  Us nekkid under that comforter.    Then when we get done our fun we can drink hot chocolate laced with Kentucky Bourbon.”

Dan D.  as he constantly did to get his thoughts together raised his head and stared with his lucid blue eyes , the night sky upon him and this wild woman.   He realized how late it was when he noticed the constellation “Orion” hovering over them.   It was as if the Greek myth character was looking down at them.   Walker wished that there was a guardian angel looking down at him.   Confused by his feelings toward the hussy made him recall how he recoiled in high school over public speaking class or debate class.  With his tongue tied way of speaking it was choosing between  listening to fingernails on a chalk board or a jackhammer only a foot away.

Yet despite his ambivalence the woman was starting to grow on him.  He couldn’t help noticing a part of him was growing too.    It wasn’t only what she said . He began to notice how sparkling her cornflower blue eyes were    How warm her smile was to him.   She did look as there would be a hell of a good time them being so close under the comforter.

“Okay Darlin’ show me what ya got   I’ll take you up on that offer.   Pour on the bourbon”


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Dan D. Walker Misadventure at the “Grand Long Horn Hotel”

Dan D. Walker swaggered into his room at the “Long Horn Grand Hotel” in Tyler TX . He smiled as he noticed the rough hewn furniture. He liked the raw hide comfy seats The rustic bed and firm mattress,pillows was to his joyful eyes the height of comfort. The warm crimson , sunny yellows and raw umber was the perfect color combination

He   suddenly noticed a soapy wash pail leaning against the wide screen TV. He assumed it was the maid’s. Dan. D. recalled his dear  mother taught to always be of help to others. He decided to walk to the hotel lobby to tell the management  about the pail. Walker figured he’d enjoy exploring the place where he stayed. Besides it would be much more personable to go in person vs calling on his room’s phone.

The Texan delighted in seeing the original George Caitlin Old West paintingson the cream colored walls. It felt good walking on the plush carpet.  Plus observing the stylish decor. wa It felt wonderful  he was staying in such a grand and  comfortable hotel.

Dan D. took a deep breath and breathed in his rugged chest the wondrous scent of  woodsy, spicy  cedar as he continued his walk.   It reminded him of the cedar closet when he was a little boy back in Flugleville Texas.

He grinned as he thought of how much was so changed in his life. From a lowly freak to staying in a fancy hotel. The one woman he was most thankful for was Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter toze. It was she who transformed him into what he is now, an air traffic controller.   What a major responsibility he beamed.

The harpie yelled to  him.  “Hey you handsome dude whatcha doin here?   Walker turned around to see  who she was .   His eyes opened wide as he stared at the gaudy woman.   She was dressed in faux leather cowgirl boots with little silver stars as spurs.  She wore a plaid gigham  shirt and an A  shaped denim skirt.  Her loud make up, intense cherry  lips,  peacock blue eye shadow , alone made him think didn’t she  believe in any subtlity   He recalled in high school a female student painted her face like that.  The boys would tease her and say it’s not Halloween.
Why him?  Why was he the chosen one ?  he groaned to himself.   Where did she come from?   He soon found out.

“I’m Desiree Lee Meriweather.   I knew you were my man when I first struck my pretty periwinkle blue eyes on you.  Moment you stepped into the hotel with your fancy genuine leather Texan style leather boots.  I could tell   I first came here at “Long Horn” about a week ago   I’m newly divorced but not new to well I hope you can get my drift, you big hunk of a real man”

Her loud nasely voice pierced his ear drums as painfully as any ear piercing  sans anesthetic.   Walker turned to and sighed when he saw the road filled rushing vehicles.   If  only there was a chance to flee from her clutching arms.

The woman made a mad dash after  him.   It wasn’t long until her portly body collided with him.   He fell on his backside .The Texan struggled  to get erect.   It was much more than  his pride that was hurt.   The corpulent woman was now on top of him.  His head ached and his body was as sore as an old work horse who  He was in such pain he didn’t know if he the stars were in her cow girl high heel boot stirrups or in the sky.   The last time he recalled feeling so sick in his stomach was when he ate his aunt Evelina’s banana cream pie.   He swore he loved his mom’s sister but he wouldn’t give that desert to his worst enemy ever in his life.

As he thought about that memory he wondered if there was a foe who sicced her on him.  Just then his eyes opened wide as he recognized her.   She was the woman at the Black Tie and Stetson ball.

“Yes I’m that woman.   I felt so neglected when you left with that hussy the only way I could comfort myself was to constantly eat cherry and dark chocolate Bon Bons.  Its because of you, you brute that I’m so fat.  You should be filled with shame Dan D.

“I didn’t force you to eat those Bon Bons.”

“If you’ll be close with me,  ….real close I’ll stop eating these.  Bon Bons)  Only thing I ask is you marry me  Dan. D. Walker.!!!”

Note: To be continued.

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  “Oy, Vey,” said Lady Lynda toAuntie Carol, “Did you see the write up in the Daily Courier about FIFI LeFarge’s wedding to her forty year oldmanservant?”

“Yes, and I quote, Announcing the wedding of Madame FIFI LeFarge to herManservant, Norman FickenZieAuf, on March 3 @ The Cathedral of Paul and Mary inMalvern, PA. at 2:00 pm.  The receptionwill be held at the Au Courant Ristorante at 1819 Sanson Street Philadelphia. 5:00  With typical savoir faire,Madame LeFarge said, ”We’ve been shacking up for years: it’s time to make itlegal. I want him to inherit the estate.  I may go PFFT any day now. We’re almost Oedipal as I’m old enough to behis grandmother”.


It might be prescient to describe Madame. Platinum blond, hair reminiscent of Jean Harlow.  A fashion face structure with azure eyes.  Thin as a match stick: eating was for theproletariat.

Madam was fortified with a silver embossed flask of Remy at all times yetnever got stupid drunk and  she chainsmoked Gitaines.

Always stylish, she wore a backless Vera Wang gown with diamond strappedJimmy Chu shoes and he wore…what the hell do you care what he wore.  The usualfor a philosophy major from Penn. Understated.


The wedding was splendid all in silver and white  and the Governor and Mayor were inattendance.  She was known as The DameLargesse of the Main Line. The little red headed flower girls skipped down theaisles sprinkling rose petals all over.  The parishioners were aghast looking like the little screaming man fromMunch’s painting.  The nuptuals werebrief.

Being mostly aged they had the aspect of statues from Madam Tussaud’s WaxMuseum.  There was some twittering ofdisapproval but Madame didn’t give a shit.


There was one unpleasant incident at the reception.  A relative who looked like a  fat, balding, file clerk abruptly announced,“She was always a slut,” before passing out in his soup.

She replied, “That’s okay, darling because I’m the one with the money.”

Stony silence. Then laughter.

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The Black Orchid’s Christmas

Hello, I am The Black  Orchid, immortal and spawn of lions  My mother mated  with a lion.  I am like most other women save for my talons instead or fingernails, and  my hunting of small animals, killing them with my bare hands.  I yearn to run and feast on them after the hunt.  I love the blood lust.   I am three thousand    years old.   I summoned a redbird from  a tree to land on my forearm that I might pluck a feather from it. I  love the beauty of the animals,  and crisp white winter landscape.  I let my polar bear coat fall revealing my nudeness underneath.  I yearn for the brutal feel of frost on my nude body.  Life can be harsh and I relish it.  One should never be too soft like a chocolate cherry.
I step out of my fur lined boots and the cold pierces my feet and I am thrilled.  Overhead a gaggle of wild geese honks their way across the gray snow pocked sky and below me on the gold Carp swim in icy nothingness.  I can see my breath in the air like blue smoke.   In the distance I hear sleigh bells, and the tinny laughter of little children.
I see movement in the bushes and I start my chase,  legs pounding, heart racing,  I advance on the hare, perhaps the Easter Bunny.  I grasp her by the throat and  break her neck.  Then I devour her like a glutton, ripping her every sinew apart.  Then when the sun drops like a bloody ball from  the sky I head back to prepare for my Christmas  Eve Party.  It will be my serfs and the girls,  Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol, and Wanda Lust, Ex-Crack Whore, and their spouses.  The featured drink will be Remy And Eggnog,  There will traditional fare with  game animals like elk and deer, and all manner of vegetables, breads and pies. We shall decorate a thirty foot Blue  Spruce tree.  My acolytes  will wear black and red  leather loin cloths and nothing else Less is more, My Darlings,   And Merry Christmas, Lovies!

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Haut Dogs

Seymour Toze eyes widened with wonderment as he gazed at the rustic interior of the Hautdogs restaurant. The place looked as grand as the finest steak houses in NYC. Toze stared at the high domed ceiling. He grinned with delight at the modern teak wood chairs and tables. Sophisticated yetcomfy he thought. The full high end liquor cabinet he noticed was the same kind of wood as the chairs. He reflected how the sameness gave the place a sense of stylish unity.

He sweetly smiled at his wife. “Yes my darling Lady Lynda. I noticed Foot from us is the fully stocked wine cellar. It’s filled with the most sophisticated windes from NY state, Napa Valley California, France, Italy, Spain. You know foot from us reminds of my pedicures.I love its formal wear only. A tie is appreciated but not required. And women must wear either a dress or a skirt and blouse or top. No sneakers. Heaven forbid. No ruffians here indeed.”

“His wife Lady Lynda gushed “Yes No male teens exposing their gluteous maximus” We deserve to be here you and I. We earned our right to imbibe the delectable hautdogs and potent potables. Both of us paid our dues. I am so proud of you suggesting we dine here. My love, Seymour Toze. They serve brats but they don’t serve brats” Lady Lynda chuckled at her witticism

“Only purist of intensions for you my darling Out of all the fine dining you could pick I truly believe it was the right choice The décor the epitomy of sophistication. The cuisine is superb Why should we eat elsewhere?” Toze asked rhetorically.

This place received rave reviews.No wonder its so crowded” as she quickly perused the many occupied tables and vermillion leather and polished wood booths.

“If someone doesn’t come over I’ll be raving mad Lady Lynda snapped in a ladylike manner. The service here is as slow as dial up internet. Its the world wide wait staff wait” she fumed.

“Remember patience is a virtue. The chef and cooks want the hautdogs, wieners and brats to be the epitomy of delectability. This place is to hotdogs as is “Strip House” is to steak.” replied Lady Lynda’s husband.

Seymour’s wife gasped when she heard her husband mention strip house. Why did he mention those places of ill repute she wondered.

“I’m truly looking forward to getting into my mouth six inches of juicy succulent,firm hautdog.” mentioned Lady Lynda licking her lips with joyful anticipation.

“I sense a feeling of jealousy Seymour dearest. I’m only describing my jubilance in sinking my teeth into such meaty tasty hautdogs. ”

“I just wish I could get some waitress attention.” sighed Seymour Toze.

“Why did you insist on waitress? The waiters are as competent.”? queried Lady Lynda a bit miffed.

“Okay waitress, waiter, waitperson, waitstaff, whatever” Perusing this sophisticated menu is making me famished

Seymour Toze chose the Deluxe Ethan’s Famous with authentic baseball park mustard, classic relish. His wife decided on the Vienna Weiner on the whole wheat roll. They both thought it was so delightful there were vegan hautdogs on the menu for those inclined.

The waiter finally came. Seymour stifled the desire to say he was famished. Lady Lynda knowing this smiled knowingly at her mate.  They told him their selections.

Soon their orders came. The couple thought the entrees looked scrumptious. They quickly said grace and dug in.

“Oh Seymour I am thoroughly enjoying eating my dog” Lady Lynda mumbled between tasty morsels of sheer enjoyment. Seymour Toze wholeheartedly thought the same as he bit into each succulent bite. They were so pleased with their meal they eagerly wanted to go back as soon as possible.

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