ERASMUS HUTLEY, CURMUDGEON.
Well, this be Ol’ Wanda Lust Ex-Crack Ho’. I be tryin’ my hand at writin’. Don’t know whether it’s good or shit feathers. Well I be reportin’ on Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda and their meeting wid Erasmus Nutley, Curmudgeon, which mean grouchy ol’ man. Ya see that got friends with children and the Girl Scouts havin’ a cookie drive. Lady Lynda got a real soft heart and Auntie Carol aint got no heart, or so it seem. Anyhoo, Lady Lynda get stuck wid two hundred boxes of cookie to sell. Damn!
The last house on their block was Erasmus Nutley’s mansion. He open the door like he was expectin’ the Gestapo. He say, “What do you want with me. I’m a very busy man. If you’re Jehovah’s witnesses, I’m a devil worshipper!” They notice how the thick wood door creak when he open it like the sound of a crypt being opened. He a real curmudgeon. This be code for “grouchy ol’ man”. Then he say, “I have no interest in Girl Scouts. They all grow up to become vixens!”
Lady Lynda say she savin’ young girls from sin and degradation and that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, And Auntie Carol chime in sayin’ that youth be the future of America.
He laugh in their faces.”The world is doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, you goody, two shoes woman. Be gone. I have no use for charity.”
Lady Lynda with her foot in the door, brought on the big guns. Meanin’ she left him have a coupla’ mint cookies.
This cookie is divine. I’ll buy some. As for the Girl Scouts, they.ve never done a damn thing for me and I don’t care if they ever do.” Said Erasmus. “Come in why don’t you.”
The house look like the Addams Family house wid gargoyls and other monstahs spread throughout the room. He done got all the windows shut and curtains drawn with black velvet curtains. It smell like a mortuary. He ’fraid someone see in they gone rob him. They sits down on the antique green velvet sofa, and they notices the legs on his furniture are all claws, and the antique clock go coo coo on the hour complete wid’ this ratty little canary bird. He go off to git’ them some refreshments which turns out to be one tea bag to be shared and one oreo for each of ‘em. He ‘splain that tea is going up twenty cents why he give only one bag. They looks around and see he got a bear head and a lion head stuffed and on the wall.
“People are wasteful and vainglorious, “ he say in his deep voice like Moses on the Mount. I best tell ya that he look like a blue heron wid his nose all beaky and little beetle eyes. His mouth is on straight line with no fullness ‘bout it like some first grader done sketch it in He got a hump on his back and lean into a cane, when he walk. He walk like a robovac, like he got lil’ wheels on the bottom of his feet. Worst of all he have long yellow nails on his hands like talons and none too clean. He wearin’ old timey pipe stem pants with a dingy tux shirt and a string bowtie. I surmise he aint git out much. Then something weird happen, he ast them would they like to try some absinthe. Auntie Carol never turn down a drop of liquor her whole life and Lady Lynda go along for the ride. They be charmin’ ladies and funny as all shit and pretty soon he be laughin’ like a hyena or was it cacklin’.
He ended up buyin’ ten boxes of cookies, short bread and chocolate mint, and he ast could he cook them dinner sometimes and they says sure and why not. They bid him adieu each givin’ him a peck on the cheek.
Auntie Carol ast Lady Lynda what she thought he’d cook for them. She replied, “Black bird pie and eye of newt pudding.” And busted out laughin’.
Gal, I am through. Peace Out!