AUNTIE CAROL GOES “PSYCHO”
This is Auntie Carol, Darlings, and I shall relate my tale in third person past tense because I am ‘beside myself’. A little witticism for you, Dear.
It was on a rainy Wednesday at her gym, “The Germination of the Eastern Yuppy,” that she first noticed then. The Three Stooges, Larry, Curly and Moe at her gym. Moe tried to knuckle punch Curly’s head as he was exercising on the elliptical machine and Larry was working up a sweat on the treadmill. She wondered why nobody took notice. Come on now. The Three Stooges in the flesh, not on celluloid and certainly not dead right there in her gym. She went and told management, or Jason, her trainer, who gave her a blank stare and said, “That’s you, Carol, always with the jokes. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Now get on out of here and work the fat. Work it, Gurl. You’re such a card.”
She was like a peach in form and density. Her body was completely comprised of elliptical circles with nary and angle. It must’ve been jelly ‘cause’ jam don’t shake like that. Moe was waiting outside the office and he sucker punched her in the stomach as she came out. “This is for being a squealer. We didn’t pay no membership fee, doll,” he said in his gravelly voice.”I’m gonna’ make you my special project. Get on the treadmill. I’m there. Get on the elliptical machine. I’m there. Get in the shower. I’m there. That’s what happens to squealers, girlie.” Larry and Curly just shrugged and gave her the high five sign. At least, they weren’t mad at her.
Now she had Moe on her case and that was not good. Not good at all. She could feel his bony shins against her calves and his hands were over hers on the elliptical machine and his hot sticky breathe on the back of her neck, was quite unnerving It was like being romanced by a giant beetle. Curly and Larry were clowning around trying to make her laugh.. Larry knocked Curly on the top of his head making a sound like a champagne cork popping. Curly’s mouth was open to make that sound. Then they spaced walked like Michael Jackson so she started laughing hysterically. So much so as to make the two people nearest her to get off their machines and move far away from her. She said in a loud voice, “Oh, like you can’t see them ,too. Hoity toity bastards.”
Then Moe got down from behind her and joined the other two who were skipping rope and as he is wont to do, poked them in the eyes with his two fingers. She thought that Moe had an anti-social personality disorder. All that striving for dominance. She never liked his attitude. Curly and Larry never really stood up to him. Then he slapped one of them and they both fell down, knocking their heads together. Kerplunk.
“Get up, ya lazy bums and quit your clowning around,” said Moe in his harsh Brooklyn voice and closed his fist, he pounded each of them on the tops of their heads. Then for good measure he did the old two finger to their eyes. Then Curly began to run in place saying in his high falsetto voice, “Whoop, whoop, whoop” while Larry did a cake walk while Moe played the accordion. Then all three of them shimmied “like Sister Kate” and she broke out laughing. Then she noticed people were just standing around staring at her like she was a pup who just took a dump on the new carpet.
“What are you skinny bitches staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a fat lady before?’ she said gruffly
Jason, her trainer, came over and said, “Is there a problem, Carol?”
She said, “What if there was?” and broke into gales of laughter. At last, going to his office could only mean one thing. That the affair was not only one sided. He was going to screw her on hot Georgia asphalt or… on the deek. Hot digitty dog!
But No! That was not it. Things had been going badly for a long, long while. Her books were not selling and she was out of money. How could things get any worse? But They Did. GET WORSE!
I hear you knockin’ butcha’ can’t come in. I’m where you can’t get to me! And the Stooges are still with me. LMAO.
MY BOOKS ON AMAZON BY CAROL ANN
POEMS OF THUNDER (NOIR & WHIMSY)
CATFISH JOE & DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL & TROUBLE