Darlings, this is Auntie Carol of societyfordaintydamsels.com and I wish to recount a most dastardly tale that happened to a close friend of mine recently. This is the most disturbing Tale to befall my dear friend,. Dr. Rolf Pettipoo. This is a recount of a most dastardly incident. May you all rest in peace or perhaps shed a tear or too, The poor Dear. Such ghastly doings.
HOW TO DEAL WITH A SERIAL KILLER
Well have I got a tale to tell you. Let me tell you how he looked first. Rheumy light blue eyes, and cowlick like the child star ”Jay North”, caved in chest, a small pot belly and thin spindly arms and legs. Kinda like a combination of Steve Buscemi or the Simpsons’ Monty Burns. “Eggzalent”. Not! This guy looked like a clerk at WaWa not someone who greets you in your living room when you came home from work. He sported a manic smile and a medium sized chain saw with which to “dismember” me in his own words
I have a photographic memory so I shall quote verbatim our conversation. Oh, yes he liked to talk, you know, make an evening of it. I shall make a soliloquy of it.
ME: Why do you want to do this to me. I never harmed you in any way. No I do not think my head would look okay on backwards. Oh, I see, I would be a Picasso drawing, you say. Very funny. You’re a real laugh riot. To be honest I feel like that little man out of Edgar Munch’s painting, “The Scream”.
ME? Now you say you’re going to put me in a Boscian Hell. Will I be in the giant egg with legs or humping one of the gnomes. Oh, You say you don’t like Munch that he was a poseur and too morbid.
ME: Now that’s rich. You don’t think it a tad morbid that you’re going to severe my head and eat my brains from my skull. And you’re going to scramble eggs in with it. It gives new meaning to the sixties saying, “Fry your Brains.” Oh, you’re a regular comedian, you are. And talkative, too. Oh, Great and you’re going to severe the digits off my toes and fingers and eat them as you say like Vienna sausage. Then have sex with my lifeless body. You’re a cannibal and a necro. How did I ever get so lucky. Thank you Jesus for this experience. You say I will be a more finely nuanced person after this. Now that’s just sarcastic, my Friend. What are the odds of a guy like me meeting someone like you. You say zero and none.
ME: You say you are suis generis, one of a kind and that don’t I know you ‘love” me And you’ve stalked me for seven years. No, I do not, as you say, look like a Ken doll. Now that’s just insulting. You say I’m not a victim because you love me. Well, that adds to the experience. The Back story so to speak Why now? Why not just go on stalking me. That way I get to live. It’s a win win. No, I won’t squeal on you.
ME:Oh ,you’ve heard that before. The begging and it’s not worthy of someone with a lofty intelligence. You say be more original or you’ll lose respect for me. I think severing my head and having sex with my dead, lifeless body is a tad disrespectful.
ME: Oh, you’ve got cancer and you want to make this your finest “Masterpiece”. Well. I happen to be an oncologist, and “death” is my business. My work is 4th stage cancer patients.
He said “Er ah,” and burst into tears.
I gave him a 10:00 appointment on Monday.
Fini. Ya cads & miscreants.