Where the Good Lord Slit Ya

Lady Lynda was on ther way to class at Pequot School tottering down the hall in her high open toed stilletoes and wearing a green and blue Ann Taylor flowered sheath.  Her arms were full of philosophy books, Aristotle, Soctates, and a timeworn copy of Plato’s Republic.  So much to learn and so little time. Alas and alors!

Then she suddenly found herself surrounded by a gang of angry Latina teen-aged girls, crowding around her like quicksand.  Never before had she seen more body piercings, tatoos, and peroxided hair.  Clearly they were not ladies.  Oh, heavens, no.  And they were up to no good.  She had prescience in matters of this nature.  In other words she could perceive which direction the wind was blowing and she congratulated herself on her wisdom.  She had a fine grasp of the obvious and smiled at her little witticism.

One, apparently the leader stepped forward, and put her face a hair’s breadth from Lady Lynda’s face and said, “Bitch, you in big trouble fuckin’ wid my Francisco’s head like that.”  And Lady Lynda could smell her cheap perfume like fumes at a gas tank. “You aint better mess wid’ us.  What is you a freak of nature wid’ yo’ one green eye and one blue eye?  God got confuse when he make you?

“And I am speaking to whom?” inquired Lady Lynda. She sighed and brushed one lock of her auburn hair behind her ear.

“Whom rhyme wid’ zoom.  Puta (whore) You talkin’ to Lala, bitch queen of Las Cabronas, my home girls.  So ya think you is hot shit wid’ yo’ designer clothes and high heels and yo’ damn ol’ books?”

Lady Lynda noted she had an orange peroxide mohawk with a nose ring and wore a white midriff tee shirt with a giant Tweetie bird on it.  Her Chino jeans were like a second skin on her large, insistant ass.  It was like a casing for a sausage. She had long six inch black, hooker nails and wore red Candy shoes with gold studs.

“Francisco is my boyfriend and you fuck him up somethin’ terrible.  He been quotin’ someone name of ‘Speare’.  Shit like ‘mad but north northwest.’  How you gone say such shit. When you crazy, you crazy all the way.  He don’ even bitch slap me no’ mo’.  How I gone respec’ a man who don’ lay down the law?  He jes’ say, ‘Girl, be reasonable’.  I aint reasonable, goddamnit!”

“I can see you’re not reasonable, dear and more’s the pity, said Lady Lynda who ran her tongue over her top lip.

Out came her long razor and she placed it less than an inch from Lady Lynda’s face.  “Girl, I may carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey.  How ya like that?”

“Not very much, I suspect,” said Lady Lynda drily and cool as a cucumber. She thought to herself,”Never show a bully fear, and stare down all barking dogs.”

“Bitch,” said LaLa, “You gone look like the Elephant Man before i git’ done wit’ you.”

“I don’t expect you’ll do that. Look at all the witnesses.  Besides how’d you like a big fat mama, and dare I say it, ‘up in your stuff’ as you kids would say?  Not a very appetizing sight, I would suspect.”

At that moment, Auntie Carol rounded the corner and came accross this cozy little scenario.  LaLa removed the blade from Auntie Lynda’s face and confronted Auntie Carol.

“So you the other bitch who done fuck up my Francisco.  Now he talk like a white boy from the ‘burbs.  Calls it the king’s English or some shit!”

“Auntie Carol, may I present LaLa, and the Cabronas.  She’s Francisco’s girlfriend.”

Auntie Carol held out a gloved hand and said, “Pleased to meet you, LaLa.”

LaLa and the five other girls broke out in raucous laughter.

“Lady,” said LaLa, “You is a card.  What y’al got them white gloves on for.  Ya workin’ the food line, no?  I’m here to make yo’ lives miserable fo’ turnin’ Francisco into a pussy!”

“Such language!  I’ve half a mind to wash out your mouth with soap,  A  lady never ever mentions the unmentionable particularly in mixed company,” intoned Auntie Carol.

“You is just to legit to quit,” quipped a fat leather jacketed girl who blew a large pink bubble from her ruby red lips.  A tiny scar snaked down the side of her mouth.  A knife wound surmised Auntie Carol, who said, “You will spit out that disgusting gum this very minute.  A lady never chews gum like a cow chewing her cud!”

“No, said the fat girl,  “Stick it up your white Republican ass, lady!”

“Give it up,” commanded Lady Lynda putting a tissue up to her face forcefully.

“A’ight.  But just because it was gettin’ nasty anyway. But don’t fuck wid’ me, Sis.”
At this point Lady Lynda bitch slapped her hard accross the face, saying “Language!”

“Dang, you is like the ol’ grandma on the Beverly Hill Billies reruns!” said the girl.

“You may call me Grandma Dynamite.  A little bon mot for you, dear,” said Lady Lynda.

And Auntie Carol not to be outdone informed them she was “the Pixie from hell.”

“Oh, God,” said LaLa.  “You done got all hoity toity on us.  Guess I tell ya, my real name is Lourdes. Lourdes Chiquita.  And no damn banana jokes, you ol’ bitches.”

Lady Lynda hauled back and bitch slapped LaLa with a wicked snap of her wrist.

“Dang, the second time’s a charm.  You old broads sure got some stones.  Ya act like you aint scared of us.  How you know I aint split ya where the Good Lord slit ya?” asked LaLa.

“You’re mad at the adults in your lives and you feel you have no future.  You need our help, and I Lady Lynda shall enroll you in our Charm School, five days a week three to five until you get the proper lady like attitudes.”

“Charm School, is you crazy. lady.  We aint do it!” said LaLa.

“Dear, the proper term is ‘we won’t do it!  Aint is for ignoramuses!  And you will come because we care. Be there or be square,” said Auntie Carol.

“You ladies is crazy as hell.  How you know we won’t jump you after school?” said LaLa.

“We know you won’t,” said Lady Lynda and they both turned and walked away toward the classroom.

“Dang,” said LaLa.  “Somebody tell me what just happened.  Shrugs all around and silence.  Everyone was all aghast like they’d just seen a monster film and the good guy lost.

CAROL ANN Writer of Poems of Thunder (Noir & Whimsy) @ Amazon.com, BN.com

Share This:

About Carol Bond

I, auntiecarol69, am a poetry and prose writer. My comic Novella, CATFISH JOE is on Barnes & Noble.com, Amazon.com & iUniverse.com. I have two other unpublished properties, a book of Noir Poems of Tainted Love, a full length novel (LA GITANA) that is about a Machiavellian 17th century gypsy who becomes courtezan to Louis XIV, the Sun King. I got my degree in English & anthropology. It has been as useful as a bullet to the head. I write The Black Orchid, Wanda Lust a & Auntie Carol. Lynda or Lady Lynda creates the Lady Lynda & Seymour Toze part of the BLOG. A brilliant person and my co-writer, Lynda got her degree in art history. We both try not to get historical (hysterical).
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.