MR. ADZHOLE FINDS TRUE LOVE.
Hello, Y’al Whatup? This be Wanda Lust, Crack Ho’. This post be about Mr. Adzhole SillyPeder, the man who be contributin’ $300,000 to our charity each time. It pain him to give this much but he kinda’ in love wid’ me. He part spider and he got six arms goin’ ever’ which way all the time. I know he done hate givin’ me the money yet he got five Mil’ in the bank. In the meantime he lay out these stingy ass little feasts fo’ me, like three Stella Doro cookies and one cup of instant coffee with the powered creamer, and I mean ONE cuppa coffee. It so happened I likes brewed coffee with real cream, and I likes to pound down a shot when I concludes a deal. He act like her forget ever’ time and I know he too stingy to buy the booze.
The bastard got a cool five Mil in the bank and he can’t afford no bottle of Amaretto or some shit, and some goddamned cheese and crackers. Would it kill him: he act like it gone kill him. I know he stingy ‘cuz he aint have no real love as a chile. He aint never had no real love his whole damn life, much less any sex. So I hates to see such pain. Oh, he try to hide it, grinnin’ like a fuckin’ fox in the hen house. But his eyes be sad like a crushed coackroach. Mostly aint no woman gone fuck wid’ him in the Biblical sense, that is.
But Ol’ Matchmaker Wanda is alive and well, and I done got a woman fo’ him, a hunch back name of Ten Cent Tillie cuz’ she can only git’ $10.00 per trick. She ugly as a wall of shit and got a hunch like that ugly man who ring the bells in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, And she walk like the Frankenstein monster, all slow and jerky, but one thing I say that gal got energy and she pull in the bucks. The best thing is she always fall in love wid’ her Johns and want to marry them. She kinda spooky and a bit mental but she an English major and got her degree. I tell Mr. Adzhole I got just the women fo’ him and his whole face light up and I perceives he think I means me. I tell him it aint me but someone like me ‘cept she white like him. Then I sees tears wellin’ up in his maple syrup shade of eyes.
Then I says “No baby, I be married to Ol’ Fat Harold and I is not available.”
Then he say no wife of his would ever have to work like that and I tell him “The Life” is in my blood and I feels quite accomplished as I always gots my own money. The I tell him she be here at seven o’clock and I gone clean his damn house with the papers and clutter and dust and shit and them I also tole’ him I was gonna give him a bath and shampoo, and cut his tangled, damn hair.He balked at that and I say I once fucked Siamese twins and one liked it and the other didn’t. He the gay one. I told him I seen things that would scare the evil out of Dracula and that I had a kit of toiletries and did he have evening clothes, and we were goin’ to do it my way. Then I say be sure to tell her she pretty and sexy and that we gone go to market and git’ some fancy ass food, and the liquor store fo’ a coupla bottles of expensive champagne. And I tell him nobody perfect includin’ yours truly.
He done got a erection when I was bathin’ him in lavender/cucumber oils so I gives him a hand job. No offence to Tilly. I jes’ likes to please mens. Then Tilly arrive in a scarlet evenin’ gown with chinchilla shawl to try and hide the hump and she real sympathetic and start talkin’ bout Shakespeare and she say, “I am but mad, North northwest/ When the wind is southerly/ I know a hawk from a handsaw.” Shakespeare his favorite author, this I tole’ her and I tole’ I kick her in her bony ass if she fuck wid’ him. He a pathetic, sensitive human being who done had it hard in life. When I left they all up in each other’s face a kissin’ and a caressin’ and I thinks I better book it while he still got his dick in his pants. Three’s a crowd…sometimes. And this make me so happy. They got married come a month away. Yessir, Ol’ Matchmaker Wanda score one for Cupid and Venus.
by Carol Ann Bond