Lady Lynda stepped up from the wood side steps to the stage. Once she got there her signs of nervousness disappeared. She quickly perused the mostly young to middle aged crowd. Her observation was couples in various ethnic groups, including blacks and Hispanics. She tastefully cleared her throat and started lecturing. The middle aged woman looked demure in her lemon chiffon sheath.
she told the crowed she was truly grateful you came here to see my teach you proper manners. Can you imagine how thrilled I am to be on this tour. I want to thank you from the cockles of my heart…”
Suddenly a young rowdy male teenager in tee and jeans yelled “WTF lady!!!”
Lady Lynda replied “My dear young man. I understand what you are trying to say. Allow me to tell you my talk is only tonight. I’m terribly sorry but its not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too.”
Lady Lynda partook from the cup nearby. “Its only water. I think it was be the height of impropriety to drink something stronger. I’m certain you get my drift. Getting back to my talk. Etiquette is the art of making people feel comfortable. Specifically my mission is to save young womenkind of hellocious influence of this dastardly world. Do your utmost never to disparage anyone. If you need to do so, do it discreetly. In that way they won’t get hurt. As they say what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Please don’t comment on disparities too. For instance if you see a man whose 2’8” and a man whose over 8′ don’t say well thats the short and the tall of it. Pardon the sentiment of telling a person with different colored eyes. Well one blew this and the other blew that way. These two examples bring back the time Seymour and I visited the World Cheapest Freak Show in Intercourse PA. Stop tittering. That’s the height of decadence. I forlornly remember the star freak was a man with a deviated septum. The poor dear I thought but for the grace of the LORD there go I. Here’s a different example If you ever meet siblings who were born conjoined twins never mention the song by Peaches and Herb “Reunited. I deign believe it would traumatize the poor dears. Let them go their separate ways. I recall some years ago a dear woman friend called me in the middle of night. She was utterly distraught discovering her favorite male movie star was bald. I consoled her by mentioning ‘Look what he’d save in hair products. Why the snickering?” Lady Lynda inquired puzzled and rather miffed.
Some slutty young woman yelled “That’s not the only benefit. Besides I could really use a “Snickers” right now. as she snickered.
“Pray tell what ever could be some other good in being hair deprived?
A sassy young woman dressed in a purple shag hair style, matching make up in the latest Goth fashion yelled “A different benefit comes to be me right away” She emphasized the word comes ever so slightly but enough that many of the individuals there quickly understood her drift.
Lady Lynda still puzzled decided to ignore the woman who so intensely reminded her of the female charges of the “Charm School for Wayward Girls” If only this dear waif was so unfortunate not be part of her class. Maybe if she ignored her crude remark and continued on with her talk, the poor dear just might learn a thing about proper manners. Such as not interrupting with crude remarks.
Lady Lynda continued smoothing out her fine lemon chiffon dress to regain her composure. “Moving on I remember the other day I was walking through the corridor of a subway station. A young man came up to me and said he wanted to let his thing do its thing with me. I told him of course constructively yet firmly. That was the worst pick up line ever!!!” Besides thing is such a general term. He looked peeved at me but it was for his own edification. I told you won’t impress if you are redundant. Let me repeat. Noone likes someone who uses redundancies.”
“Speaking of being redundant ended the lecture by saying she hoped the audience was edified by her. talk. She planned to continue her tour. She wished them well”
Lady Lynda Preps for her Etiquette Tour
Lady Lynda dexterously organized her thoughts in her “citadel,” apartment before she demurely dialed her princess phone. Nothing but a princess phone for a princess like her. Seymour Toze her prince. Her agent would be her guide throughout the US in her quest to teach her fellow citizens perfect manners. A most noble quest she proudly told herself
Despite the bravado the dear woman felt worried she’d slip up. There was no way to know beforehand how reasonable these interviewees would be. She forlornly remembered the many job interviews she had throughout her adult life. It was only when she , thanks to colleague Auntie Carol she discovered her true calling. And that was to spread the teachings of proper manners throughout the U.S.A
As talented an expert she was she still needed somebody to guide her on the way. Yes she could teach crude, the rude and the lew\d but she still needed someone to help her with the business part. Lady Lynda begrudgingly reminded herself that she was not a skilled in every single way in her new noble endeavor.
With all that in mind she gazed at the first name on the list under agents in the directory. She saw the name was Barbara Abbott. One thing Lynda told herself was not to inquire if she was partners with somebody named Costello. The most considerate woman swiftly concluded the poor dear got that kind of ribbing most of her life. Far be it from her to be like those ruffians.
Lady Lynda heard eight rings. She was feeling increasingly beleagered as she tried to decide to wait for more rings. Finally on the tenth one, a middle aged female voice was heard. It was a most delicate one. One that sounded as if a puff of gentle breeze would be enough to silence it.
“Yes this is Barbara Abbott. Professional agent extraodinaire at your service. “What is the nature of your call?”
Lady Lynda involuntarily thought of Jim Carey’s movie “When Nature Calls” She tried to best to get that vulgar thought out of her head. “I called you under agents in the phone. I’d like to know if you can be my agent.”
“Pray tell, agent for what”
“For my upcoming nationwide importance of good manners tour”
There was a moment of silence. Lady Lynda was worried the woman was displeased with her idea. Then Abbot’s voice came back on. Pardon me I was mulling around how I could help you.
“Well for one thing you could get me bookings.”
“I suppose I could. But how could we categorize what you’re doing. Its not like you’re an entertainer type most folks know.”
“That’s where you can come in. You can create public relations for me explaining my etiquette expertise, how important it is and how I am an expert teaching it. You can include my experiences at the Charm School for Wayward Girls and the Pequot Reform school for Dastardly Bastards and how well I did in both of them.”
“So how successful were you? I just know what you tell me. Give me examples.”
Lady Lynda was stumped. Just then she heard a click.
The woman knew Barbara Abbott was like a pencil, one with a very good point. She just wished she wasn’t so sharp about it. She was right she ought to been able to tell why she was such a great etiquette teacher. Lady Lynda felt rejected but far from dejected. She would now think about what was it that made her such an expert on manners.