Herman Sherman proposed the idea and Auntie Carol enthusiastically seconded it. To go to a fancy dinner at a world reknowned French restaurant in center city with Seymour Toze and Lady Lynda. Cameradary cannot be over-rated in this chill world, the love of friends is worth a pirate’s bounty. When told of this most excellent plan, Lady Lynda embraced Auntie Carol, (not in “that” way, silly). She yelled, “Fantastico, querida, porque no?” (Fantastic, dear, why not?”)
Not be outdone, Auntie Carol said. “Wundebar,” which is wonderful in German. “Oh, you,” said Lady Lynda, who embraced her again.
“Et tu,Brute. A little bon mot for you, dear,” said Auntie Carol.
As mentioned earlier they decided to dine on Le Menu Degustation, as the restaurant so named it. A ten course meal with three desserts for each person included at the price of $185.00 per person. There were such entrees as black sea bass with piopini mushrooms, roasted diver sea scallops, slow baked Alaskan hallibut and meat entres such as roasted loin of lamb, Kombu cured Wagyu beef, stuffed truffles and New York squab. The entrees were just too numerous to list. The dinig room was in sumptuous tones of chartreuse with leather chairs and linen tablecloths and ambient light from the chandeliers and wall sconces. The huge chandelier in the main dining room glistenened like a pile of diamonds. All were much pleased with the cool, elegant aura of the restaurant.
Lady Lynda as she sat down murmured, “Dare I eat a peach?” and Auntie Carol replied, “Dare I dusturb the universe?” Herman Sherman said, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Puffrock, by T.S. Elliot, I presume” and laughed in his melodious tenor. Seymour Toze nodded in assent and grinned like a fox in a hen house. “The cargo is escargo,” he quipped Seymour, who further stated that he and Herman both loved intelligent women.
The men both looked, as the Brits would say, “smashing” in their dark 007 tuxedos. Lady Lynda wore a flowing low cut chartreuse evening gown with rhinestone trim and her customary open toed stillettos. Auntie Carol had on a tailored, black linen sheath with diamond chandelier earrings and just the right amount of make up, burnt sienna eye shadow to accentuate her slate blue eyes and a coral lipstick.
Lady Lynda wore a trace of lilac eyeshadow to accentuate her diversely colored eyes and a hot pink lupstick bubbled on her bow shaped lips. It could be said that elegance was the by word.
As the woman complimented Herman on his choice of a restaurant, he replied that as a therapist he had a fairly extensive working knowledge of what would delight two such “lucious night blooming orchids.” Not to be outdone, Seymour said he had intimate knowledge from the opposite end of the spectrum, that of woman’s feet.
Herman laughed and said,
“I treat their minds and you worship their feet as I am told. You must have some of the blood of the god, Mercury in your veins.”
“That, I do. I also like the requisite other portions of their bodies. Show him your shoe, Lynda. It’s from the store where I work, Into Leather.” Lynda extended one of her shapely legs.
“Oh, my God, that’s a beautiful shoe and what’s attached to it is equally fetching, I must say,” replied Herman.
“Methinks, he doth protest too much,” said Auntie Carol, with a wink.
“Don’t be jealous, Babe. You’ve got legs like the late Cyd Charrise and a body like Botticelli’s Venus on the Half Shell.”
Lady Lynda perked up her ears and inquired whether he knew that in the Biblical sense.
He replied, “No, my dear Lady, I can only surmise that as a man. I have respected Carol’s wishes to remain pristine until our wedding night.” With that he got on his knees and placed a rather formidable diamond ring on Auntie Carol’s third finger. Auntie Carol’s laughter echoed throughout the cool chartreuse dining room and she said, “Yes, of course, my darling.”
“You had better get up, now, “said Lady Lynda, “lest they think you are doing something untoward” as she put her naked toe on Seymour Toze’s crotch. Auntie Carol just laughed and held her ring up to catch the sparkling light and Herman resumed sitting in his chair. The waiter, who looked like the late Salvador Dali inquired about their drink orders as he placed water glasses and bread on the table.
Herman ordered champagne as the girls were at a loss never letting liquor pass their lips before and then he asked Seymour if he would take a Saligniac and Herman replied that he would take a dry martini with three olives.
The waiter said, “Duely noted”, and flashed Herman a wink as he sashayed back to the kitchen.
Ane Herman laughed and said, “The gays always know. It’s like I’m wearing a campaign button and they can tell who I’m for.”
“I was just wondering about your, ah, condition,” said Seymour gingerly.
“Seymour, how could you. Where are your manners?” said Lady Lynda.
“It’s okay, Lynda. I’m a hermaphrodite. I engender curiosity wherever I go. Well, it’s kind of like “Being The Man For All Seasons” as Shakespeare would say.” And he threw back his handsome head and roared with laughter. “I am whatever the mood and my situation dictates.”
“You mean you change like a chameleon,” asked Seymour..
“Let’s just say I could be the bride or the groom and never be the wiser for it. Confusing? Not for me.”
“You don’t find it confusing being a man and a woman?” asked Lady Lynda.
“No absolutely not. Do you find it hard that you can both love and hate? Two emotions at the opposite end of the spectrum? But it’s still you isn’t it. I can function equally well in both modes. That’s why I am such a good sex therapist. And no, I do not consider myself gay. I love women in all their complexity. I want to rip off Carol’s clothes and do her right here on the linen tablecloth!”
“Oh, my,” said Auntie Carol. “And embarass the waiter and topple over all the water glasses!”
“It’s a hypothetical situation, my love,” he replied. “I would never cast aspersians on your character, sweetie. Surely, you know that.”
“Well, that seems pretty definitive to me,” replied Seymour, who reached over and shook his hand. “I’d like to get Lynda up against the wall like in that Brando film, Last Tango in Paris.”
“Enough of the potty mouth,” interjected Lady Lynda who removed her foot from his crotch sliding it back into her fancy shoe.
“Sorry, my love,” replied Seymour sheepishly, “He started it.”
“Yes, I guess I heated up the conversation a bit. Let’s talk about ‘The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner’. What’s your albatoss, Seymour?” asked Herman.
“Lady Lynda’s virgininal status and the preservation of it,” replied Seymour.
“Seymour, ” said Lady Lynda sharply, “that is not proper table conversation!”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me,” said Seymour.
“What a gay thing to say!” laughed Herman.
“You’re a witty son of a bitch. I’ll give you that!” excalimed Seymour.
Auntie Carol patted both their hands and said, “Such bad boys talking that dirty stuff. Frankly it’s over our heads. We don’t think naughty thoughts because the preachers say the thought is the same as the act. A sin.”
“And it’s very admirable you are that way. Nowadays, girls blow offer with just the hint of a breeze,” said Herman.
“Oh, hell, yes,” said Seymour.
“Don’t talk dirty, Seymour. You know how that excites me,” said Lady Lynda.
“You and Lady Chatterly,” quipped Herman.
“Is that the dreaded, dastardly D.H. Lawrence?” inquired Auntie Carol. “We recommend Jane Austin to our young ladies. Lawrence is verboten and rather declasse.”
“If the food doesn’t get here soon, I swear I’ll just have to eat the waiter,” intoned Lady Lynda.
Herman and Seymour caught each others eyes and burst out laughing.
Auntie Carol just looked perplexed and Lady Lynda shot Seymour a hard look.
“You, two, are just behaving like smart alecs and nobody likes a potty mouthed smart alec! For an an appetizer I’ll have the melon balls and sweetbreads with shrimp for the entree. I like bread pudding.”
Need I say it? Uproarious lsaughter from the men and Seymour whispered into Lady Lynda’s shell like pearled ear. She blushed bright magenta and said to change her order to lamb for “no lady would ever eat that be it dead or alive! Sacre Bleu and heavens, no!”
Then she looked over to Auntie Carol and said, “No, you don’t even want to know, my dear. I’ll spare you the embarassment.”
“Oh, think you, love, as I forgot my smelling salts and can take no more of this randy, obstreporous talk. A lady always knows her place.”
“Oh yes, dear,” replied Lady Lynda. “I could not agree more.”
And that was how their “Most Splendid Evening” went as To Dine Is Divine.
CAROL ANN writer of Poems of Thunder (Noire & Whimsy) @ Amazo