This past Monday, Lady Lynda and I, Auntie Carol presented the nexus of our program for the Charm School Girls, “The Pluperfect Wife”. We did it on Monday when we figured the girls would be less distracted by the issue of boys and various “teen” idols whom I deign to mention. Strike when the iron is hot, I always say. Lady Lynda always say things like, “Another day another dollar, or “Working hard or hardly working?” or “Did you order this weather?” She is full of such gems. I, myself, wonder why the sonnet has fallen from popularity and disuse since the time of Shakespeare.
He thought it prudent to write sonnets: why is everyone trying to be Walt Whitman with his “barbaric yawp over the roof tops.” Not everyone is a poet, and a disordered barrage of words does not a poet make. We can’t all be gems. But I digress. Well enough of my petty concerns. There are more important matters at hand, to save our young girls from a life of sin and depravity. I don’t want them to end up like the character Kim Novak played in the movie, “By Love Possessed, a dying, syphlitic whore in a third class hotel room with just a club footed man to see her off into the next world. Alors! And Heaven’s No!! Life is brutal for those who don’t follow the good rules of common sense and propriety.
Very well. Here are our rules. They are written in slate and must be followed to the letter!
The Pluperfect Wife
1) a wife is to keep a clean, immaculate house.
2) She is to prepare wholesome, nutritious meal and have dinner on the table when her husband comes home.
3) Present a pleasant appearance. Copy any Audrey Hepburn movie for fashion advice.
4) Listen to his troubles and ask about his day. Maintain an aura of interest as if he were Moses on the Mount and never yawn or pick lint from your sweater as he speaks.
5) And most importantly, be a proper help mate to your man. Cleave to your man As the Biblical Ruth did. His word is law. If unsatisfied in the act of love, seem as if you were.
6) Never put tubular objects, other than bananas, in your mouth. Only strumpets do this.
7) Dont’ ever appear more clever than he is and don’t read voluminous text’s like Tolsoy’s “War and Peace.” At least not in front of him.
8) Bake voluminous amounts of cookies, pies, and cakes. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
9) Line up all the children at the door when he comes in and have them yell all at once, “We love you, Daddy.”
10) Be on your knees praying when he comes home to show what a pious, God-fearing woman you are.
11) In the bedroom, do everything he desires you to do…within reason. Do something special for his birthday like putting butter cream icing on your two pert points of interest. This will thrill him and let him know that you are a lady in the ballroom and a bitch (dare I say it) in the bedroom.
12) Make sure you are not an artist, inventor, or philosopher as this will threaten his male ego.
13) Never chasise the children too harshly as he might think you’re the Devil.
14) Don’t ever suggest any sensual moves to your dearest husband or he may discern you’ve been having it off with the postman.
15} Never buy fancy clothes with the grocery money. Always consult your dear husband before you spend any money. And never marry for money. From watching the movies, we all know that doesn’t work out. Marry for Love, my darlings.
And that, young ladies, concludes our lecture on the proper wife. It is the Magna Carta of Marriage Manuals.
There was a dead silence in the room. Then stiffled giggles. The little witches.
Then the ever feisty Lashona piped up, saying, “But, Miz Carol, and Miz Lynda, we don’t plan to marry. Our careers come first. We only plan to use men for sex and money.”
I felt the room spinning and a hard rock in my stomach and Lady Lynda caught me as I fell into unconsciousness.
Fade to Black, My Darlings.
CAROL ANN BOND