Girls, you must at all costs, avoid lascivious Lotharios, men who would take advantage of your youthful innocence. Your young womanhood is a precious glowing pearl to be preserved at all costs,” said Auntie Carol.
Lady Lynds raised her dainty, gloved hand, and said, “I second that, Dear, a woman’s virginity is her one most precious possession.
The classroom was as quiet as Grant’s tomb. Not a sound was emitted, and the girl’s mouths hung open in shocked amazement. Then riotous laughter echoed into the hall.
Pixie Girl in her pink hair and goth lipstick was actually the first to laugh, and she high fived one of the other girls.
“Miz Carol,” she piped, “You are really too much. What is a lascivious Lothario, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “He is a cad and a scurrilous popinjay!”
“Do, you mean a bastard?” asked Pixie Girl.
“One could say that,” said Auntie Carol. “Love should be like Shakespeare’s
memorable play, Romeo and Juliet. You must love a man enough to die for him and vice versa. That is how it should be. That’s true love.
Lady Lynda again raised her gloved hand in assent, saying, “I second that. A woman’s virginity is her only one true possesstion and should be intact on her wedding night.
You make it sound like food that has spoiled,” said the Pip Squeak Girl who was a little ball of nerdiness. Again there was uproarious, boisterous laughter.
Lashonda was the next to speak, “Do you realize that you’re yelling fire and the building has already burned down.”
Lady Lynda retorted,
“God is just and forgiving, one may eschew sinful, lustful behavior and still enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Girls, you must save yourselves for the wedding night and protect yourselves from your chosen mate’s baser instincts.”
“Baser instincts. What world do you live in Miz Lynda and Miz Carol? Don’t you know if we don’t go down, we’ll never get any dates. Besides it’s not really sex. Remember Clinton. If a President thinks it’s not sex, then it must not be!”
“Of course it’s sex, you have his you know what in your mouth!” exclaimed Auntie Carol.
“There’s entirely too much hanky panky going on in our schools today! intoned Lady Lynda, and, “I know Auntie Carol concurs with me. What do you think oral sex is, like shaking hands?”
Lashonda, ever the wit, said, “Tell us what you think hanky panky is.”
“Tongue kissing, and inappropriate touching down there and of course, the use of the mouth to suck something other than a lollipop!” they said in unison. “Anything that impugns one’s innocence and virginity is hanky panky!”
“But Miz Lynda and Miz Carol if you don’t go down, you’ll never get any dates. It’s expected of us!’ said the Pip Squeak girl. See our bracrelets. Pink is you just kiss and neck. Green is you go down, and red is you go all the way as you would say it!”
“Darling,” said Lady Lynda, “Oh my, that’s what is called
‘guilding the Lily’ If you want to be thoroughly modern why not just get bar codes!”
“That’s just mean,”
“Yes, rather,” said Lady Lynda with a big carnivorous smile
like piranha to guppy.
“Well, not really, said the small, insouciant, Pip Squeak Girl,”It’s not really sex,” she said flashing her green cloth bracelet.
“Oh, in the vein, that
Heidnick was not really a serial killer, just a gourmet cook.” said Auntie Carol. “Let me have a show of hands of those have participated in this
non-sex.” Three fourths of the girls raised their hands.
One of the girls, had a red bracelet, and Lady Lynda looked her in the face, and said, “I guess this makes you The Girl For All Seasons. Maybe you’ll get some kind of trophy for your charitable deeds like the Academy Awards.”
Lashonda intoned, “Miz Lynda, why are you guys being so mean today?”
“We’re mean because we like to be, and because you young ladies are not using your heads. It may as well be Christmas tree ornaments sitting on top of your necks.. Have any of these heartless Lotharios ever expressed that they loved you? This gives a new meaning to the phrase, it’s a man’s world! Prositutes, at least get paid for it!”
“We’re not hookers, Miz Carol, we do not accept money for it. It’s just modern times. Nobody wants to get involved and nobody gets hurt.”
“If not love, what do you get from it? Let’s see herpes, syphilis, or oh, goodie gum drops, AIDS. You, Lashonda, cannot tell me in your heart of heart’s that you don’t hope that the guy will love you.”
Lashonda ducked he head and said nothing for a few minutes then she blasted them with these words,”So, we’re supposed to sit home like fairy pricesses and wait for our knight in shining armor to slay the dragon to win our hands.”
Auntie Carol replied, “In a word, yes. Virtue is its own reward.
“And I second that,
Auntie Carol. My beau, Seymour Toze, and I shall wait until our wedding night before we consumate our love.”
Pixie Girl raised her ahnd and asked, does
consumate mean, ball? How do you know he can do it right?”
“Woman’s intuition, love, woman’s intuition, love,” replied Lady Lynda.
“Girls, I implore you to give up your slatternly ways and demand respect from these ne’er do wells.
It’s a man’s world but we don’t have to help them put this over. They are making fools of you girls. Watch a Fred Astaire & Ginger Roger’s movie or Doris Day & Rock Hudson, in “The Pajama Game. Now that’s how love should be. It should make you happy and fulfilled not used. Respect yourself girls. Love yourselves, so someone may love you back. If you don’t care for yourselves, no one else will either. Heed my words, Young Ladies,” said Lady Lynda.
A tear began to roll down Lashonda’s face, anf Auntie Carol was quick to give her her crisp white linen kerchief sscented with lavender. And Lashonda said almost inaudibly, “It hurts, Auntie Carol.
She patted Lashonda on the forearm and said, “I know, Dear, I know.”