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Dandy D. Walker preps for his hot date
Daniel Delbert Walker laid all 6’2 manly self on his old fashion four poster bed in his rustic western style bedroom. The man saw how his new suit was draped over He gleamed with pride and pleasure over his genuine gold lame suit. It was an exact copy of the original suite designed by flamboyant designer extraodinaire Nudie Cohn. Walker wondered what the man’s real name was. He deemed it quite ironic his nick was Nudie since his business was designing some mighty fancy suits. Walker reflected how the man created clothes for ZZ Top, Gram Parsons, Porter Waggoner and other Rock and Country stars. Who knew there was a Jewish connection to so many popular singers. Whoda thunk it he bemusedly asked himself. His lapis blue eyes twinkled with delight. He beamed at how sharp he would look to his new gal.
The jacket and pants were an exact replica of the Elvis Presley cover on the album “Fifty Million Elvis Fans can’t be wrong” Dan. D. Walker immediately concluded his new woman couldn’t be wrong about him either “ Yeah that mighty fine sure made an excellent choice in me. Hot diggity darn.” A gentleman ain’t suppose to cuss” One thing I am is a true gentleman. I respect the ladies. That’s why I’m wearing this suit. I’m sure she’d be truly impressed.
“What a gal!! Dan D. beamed with pride as he sauntered into his kitchen. He wore a flannel plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up his elbows. Levis covered his meaty legs. His expression resembled an overgrown puppy dog who knew he found at last his one true love.
“Courtney Rae you are the one for me. Ahm so glad I’m courtin’ you Courtney Rae. You are a ray of sunshine in mah life. Thanks to me going to that Stetson, Black Lariet holiday party. Once I took a glance at you mah little darlin, ah knew you were the one. Ah was as certain as sage bush being a part of Texas.
Walker smiled like a Cheschire cat as he reminesced about that swanky evening. “She’s a beauty. A real fresh as outdoors beauty” “Her sparkling rich brown eyes, her wavy brunette shoulder length hair, her pert features are such a joy for me to look at.” declared as he flexed his swung his right arm and made a tight fist.
“Hot diggity dog I sure am doin’ mighty fine these day. I feel like a baseball player who hit a home run at the bottom of the nineth and made my team win. When it comes to clever retorts I’m a pro. ‘Ah thank you for being so concerned about about me getting enough exercise.’ Can’t wait to `my cute little honey pie. Ooohh my cute little sexy honey pie. Its been exactly twelve hours since we saw each other. Its going to be six hours for our rendevous at that romantic steakhouse restaurant “Love meat Tender” I can hardly wait. I know one thing my manhood sure won’t be squishy. It’s going to be good and hard. It’ll be great tonight.
Daniel D. Walker reflected on how much he looked forward to being close with his new woman. Yes he exclaimed they would be like two twigs intertwined. She would make up for every other female who rejected him because they couldn’t understand what he was saying.
The man congratulated himself on being so lucky to find elocution teacher Lady Lynda and being so successful in his lessons. So much so that he met the woman of his dreams. Now the world was his. And now a new sexy and smart woman was his too
This be Ol’ Wanda Lust, ex-crack ho’ and I be talkin PARTAY. I done decide to give my friends and fambly a Wham Bam New Year’s Eve Party and everbody has to come as a Dickins’ character. The Black Orchid sho’ got a sense of humor: she comin’ as Bob Kratchet’s wife and old Fat Harold comin’ as Tiny Tim. That be really funny as he weigh over three hundred pounds and he wearin them black leather shorts the German’s wear and a satin shirt and saddle oxfords wid socks and garters. I gone be the Ghost of Christmas Future and make myself all silver wid a hood and sackcloth and the pointy finger like he do. Auntie Carol be the Ghost of Christmas Present, all in white satin and platinum blond wig wit holly berries woven through it. And Lady Lynda just be The Ghost of Christmas Past be lookin’ the way Emily Dickinson do, all flowery in high neck long dress of cotton and a cameo necklace and lil’ straw hat.
I don’ understand them assholes who goes out to eat or does a catered affair. Goin’ to the trouble of cookin’ everthing by yoself is the beauty of it and I can cook my ass off. I even made blackberry and minced meat pies to go wit the pumpkin and a peasant along wid’ the ham and turkey. If nobody don’ gain twenty pounds on my dinner I done failed in my endeavor. And people gone drink gallons of my eggnog corrupted by brandy. I like the sound of it, corrupted. Lady Lynda once say I got a writer’s head on me.
My gurl friends gone come all tricked out as elves and hobgoblins. Who ever know what a hobgoblin is? I give ‘em special instructions to “come on” to Ol’ Fat Harold, my hubby, and we, Laverne and me, gone have a contretemps over Harold. I act real jealous like and punch her on the jaw and she pull at my hair and rip off my robes. We got it all staged. Ol’ Fat Harold gone feel like the cock of the walk. I got real sexy lingerie under these robes, red and green with cot out nipples. Find me a Ho’ who aint as good actress and I’ll give you a diamond stone. We know how to please our mens.
Meanwhile my two prudish friends, Aunty Carol and Lady Lynda gone be talkin’ that fifty’s shit bout how all my gurls be a lot happier sitten’ behind some desk typin’ on a computer for some stiff assed Republican. They also go over that shit like witholdin’ the candy ‘til ya sees a ring danglin’ from his hand. These gurls are like some stone cold bitches but they lissens’ and nods they heads like the believes all that bullshit out of respect for me.
Harold aint a bit the wiser out of my little act and he goin’ around tweakin’ titties and I acts real pissed off and jealous and he Tee Heein’ all over the place. Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda go round thinkin’ they done really saved some souls for God Highest. They grinnin’ like they foxes in the hen house.
WANDA LUST GIVE A GODAMMED FINE PARTY Y’AL. AINT NO TWO WAYS “BOUT IT.
The 2014 Black Larriat , Stetson and Cowboy Boots Holiday Ball
It’s a festive Christmas fest An impressively tall Christmas tree is decked in shiny metallic colorful balls. It[s draped green and red wreaths. Blinking lights that change hues. The Hanukkuh bush and Kwanzah lamp are quite impressive. Holiday symbols are easily seen on the roomy hardwood floor
Pine green and festive red velvet drape the walls. The material is hung on golden poles that reach to the very top of the high walls. The ceiling is domed and in its center is a golden Lone Star , the symbol of the Lone Star state.
Red Velvet cake is clearly displayed on the long buffet table. Various fruit pies and cookies are there There is an abundance of the finest barbeque fixings this side of the Rio Grand. There is genuine tender Texas Rib eye, roast turkey. For vegans there is Cajun spiced Seitan. Corn on the cob, sweet potatoes, white potatoes, cranberries and stuffing galore are there too. Bourbon, “Lone Star” beer and nothing but American wines are on display too.
The children are entertained by a professional clown dressed in a harlequin suit in a separate room to the side. The man did various fun tricks for the girls and boys. His rapport with the at first cranky boys and girls was quite impressive.
The teens are permitted into the main room only with their parents No alcohol for them. If any parent was caught they’d be immediately escorted from the premises. Management doesn’t want to risk were being charged serving those who were underaged.
Into the festive room saunters in Dan D. Walker. He reflects how lucky he is to be here in the grandest of holiday parties in Texas. He wears his finest tux with black lariot, fancy carved leather cowboy boots and Stetson. His deep lapis eyes peruse the site as if it’s a ranch he’s inspecting for possible purchase. The décor , the way the men and women are so fancy dressed pleases him The Texan reflects how the gals were decked in their finest yet still looked as feminine and pretty as pink roses The women looked as curvy as nubile teen girls strutting her stuff with the skimpiest of bikinis.
Walker bet he could catch any one of those gals eyes. Yes Lady Lynda’s diction lessons gave him the confidence he needed he reflected With so many delightful pickings he indeed sure was grateful. It was like a smorgesbord of feminine beauty and sexiness.
Feeling sure of himself Walker walked over to a sweet looking young woman. She’s sexy in a fresh scrubbed way. He says to her “How lucky can I get meeting you here.” She replies. “What a line. Take a hike.” His glib reply is “Well mam I’m so grateful you’re making sure I get enough exercise”
Just then a woman with homespun sexy charm comes up to him She says to Dan. D. “Hell She sho nuff don’t know a good man when she sees one but I do.“ Daniel Delbert Walker is smitten with her charms. “Yes it pays to speak your mind” bemused Walker. Thanks to Lady Lynda, he reflected now he could. He was so delighted he could. He thanked his lucky stars.
ERASMUS NUTLEY PUTS ON THE DOG (CHRISTMAS)
He was so excited: people were coming to see him. It was stupendous! It was outré!
He was so meticulous about his huge trust. He never overspent and never gave so much as a nickel to a beggar, calling them lazy ne’er do wells, and junkies. He was, in fact, one of those people who think they Could take it with them. He was nothing to no one and vice versa. He was penniless profound and pound foolish. Like the Paul Simon lyrics, “I am a rock; I am an island and a rock knows no pain.”
And here he was planning a lavish do for his two only friends Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. They opened up the world to him and he was drinking it in like a sweet nectar. They had captured his miserable, miserly self, All those lonely hours reading in Aramaic, ancient obscure texts about the Old World. And the countless stories of serial killers, his guilty pleasure. They were all solitary souls…like him. Frankly, Auntie Carol, said in confidence to Lady Lynda, “With that attitude, what keeps him off buildings with a rifle?” Anyone who answers the phone with “What is it now?” has got to have a problem.
And now he was throwing a blast out, no holds barred party for his two beloved friends. The aqua velva in his veins had turned to blood. The door bell rang and he thought, “I am so debonair in my silk smoking jacket and black tux pants. Like Ronald Coleman.” Lady Lynda and Auntie, looked like aging Barby Dolls with their big hair, turquoise eye shadow and little white gloves. “A lady is not complete without her gloves, her compact, and her smelling salts. The vapors, you know,” thought Auntie Carol.
The third woman he did not know. In her black silk mini dress, high kicky boots and dripping with diamonds, she resembled a model out of Italian Vogue, only more muscular. She had that predatory aura of the big cats so wild and hungry were her emerald eyes. He noted she had black talons instead of fingernails Curiously Strange. He felt s lump in his throat and could not find his words.
Well this woman, known as the Black Orchid, “Well, Darling, are you going to let us in? I’m cold as a witch’s tit on w windy hill.” With that he stepped aside and took their
fur coats to the master bedroom brushing the now off with his hands.
“Well, who is this magnificent creature you have brought with you?”
“I am The Black Orchid, she countered, and squeezed his hand. It was painful as people who have lion DNA do not realize their strength. He was glad for the release. And she slowly and languorously took good measure of him as a man and it made him feel like a wild animal was considering him as prey. She smelled of spices and the sex scent. Erasmus had a blob of a face, the face of a file clerk, unremarkable, and he had a receding chin. He was thin and frail like an orphan. He had the posture of someone who rings church bells for a living. She thought, “Blue Heron and 38, still a virgin. That can be changed..”
So Erasmus brought on the Brandy and Benedictine toute de suite to warm them as they sat on his Henry XIV couch next to a raging fire in the fireplace. He said they would have Cabernet with dinner and desert wines for after dinner such as Sambuca, Peppermint Schnops, and Kahlua. He had turkey, ham and a goose, cornbread stuffinng, candied yams, mashed potatoes, and green beans Almandine. And there were three delicious deserts. Lady Lynda remarked at how much he had changed.
In reply, he said, ”We didn’t celebrate Christmas at my house. Dad said it was a capitalistic device to get people to empty their pockets. Too commercial. So I had to watch the other kids and their families share this holiday and I hated them for it. Still do. Dad said there was no Santa and mom was too busy with her acting career to pay any attention to me. I was not allowed to invite friends over. Occasionally father would take me to the stock market to see money fly as he said. So I raised myself. There was no warmth, no caring. We were outrageously rich, though and if people didn’t succeed, Dad said it was all their fault.”.
“Come here and get a group hug,” said Lady Lynda. And it happened. The Black Orchid tongued him in the ear and gave him a grind. “Let’s tell him now,” she said.
“Listen, Erasmus, at midnight we will get a special visitor,” said The Black Orchid.
“Ed Gein. Charlie Manson, Heidnick”, replied Erasmus
“Yes, all three. I hear you speak Aramaic. Say, I love you It’s my native tongue.”
“Native tongue? That can’t be. You look about thirty. Your skin is wrinkle free and the blue white color of skim milk.”
“I have been around s long time. Best you don’t ponder it,” said The Black Orchid, I’m VSOP. Very Special, old and pale,”
Erasmus felt frightened when she announced that her mother, a tribal shaman got with a lion to “begat” her.
“So, that’s why I’m prey when she looks at me and she’s immortal,” He was having a hard time processing this information, took a big shot of brandy and passed out
When he came to, Santa was taking his pulse. He wore a red plaid L.L. bean shirt with jeans with a Santa hat. “Now, there’s a good fella. I understand you don’t believe in me.
Erasmus said he was an actor and he didn’t appreciate his friends playing with his head, Santa then waved his hand in the sir and an entire Lionel train set appeared in front of the fire. “Can an actor do that? I think:therefore I am. I Yam that I Yam. One potato to another. Little joke for you This was what you wanted at seven. Your parents refused to let me come into your life such as it was.”
”Yeah, well guess what? I’m still a curmudgeon. I think welfare mothers should all find jobs. Lackadaisical ladies.” said Erasmus.
“I rather like your wit, Erasmus. Life is not always fair. You are very lucky to have such good friends. Other people are not so lucky. Fate can play some mean tricks on people.” said Santa. Erasmus felt the gentleness wand warmth of the old Elf and a tear rolled down his cheek, and he flushed pink with embarrassment.
“Don’t be ashamed of the tear, hon, Only weak, brittle people can’t cry. Now Santa and I have some business to conduct upstairs if you copy that. I want to find out if it’s okay to be naughty not nice,” said The Black Orchid.
During the tete a tete, the girls and Erasmus helped themselves to the delicious food and he fidgeted like a man standing before a firing squad. He intuited that The Black Orchid had plans for him.
“Don’t worry dear,”said Lady Lynda. “You remember the first time you had ice cream and how wonderful it was. Sex is like that.
Forty-five minutes later, they both came down and she was wearing an emerald necklace and ear rings, A rank smell of rotted oranges emanated from her. She wordlessly took his hand and led him up the stairs.
Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda said in unison,”BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.”
.Erasmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol pay their admission fees and now walk into the main grounds of the local zoo. They are at the crossroads of the mammal house, the small mammal house, the primate house, the pachyderms and the sea mammals. It is a warm sunny, beautiful day.
“Well here we are at the zoo. I hope you’re satisfied dragging me here. Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. Why do you go by the name Lady Lynda anyway. We’re not in the UK You’re not royalty. And Auntie Carol. I can’t make any sense out of what you call yourself.
“Its easy to explain. I’m always a Lady.”
“Yes even when you were cheating on your husband.”
“You know I went back to him. Besides I was discreet. “
Nutley sneered “Thank goodness for small favors. Like luring me to this literally beastly place.”
Auntie Carol gulped. “I thought you’d like it here. You seemed so fascinated by your cockroach collection. Dan D. Walker told me it was inspired by the cockroach museum down in Plano Texas.
The curmudgeon sighed a heavy sigh. “Those industrious creatures are a true inspiration to me.”
The women discreetly wiped a tear from their eyes Touched by his genuine sentiment.
And you never told why you call yourself Auntie Carol. He harumphed.
“If you must know its because I try to be friendly to everyone Like I’m their favorite relative.”
“You are assuming a lot. For all you you could be talking to man or woman in a dysfunctional family. Did you ever think of that? “
Auntie Carol looked at the Zoo’s directional signs to get her mind off being with Nutley. Lady Lynda took out her compact and daintily dabbed some rouge on her cheeks to distract herself from entertaining second and third thoughts inviting Erasmus there.
Suddenly there is an announcement on the loud speaker. For a limited time there is an exhibit of an albino alligator at the reptile house.
Eramsmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol turn their heads in the direction of the reptile house. The women nod at each other in agreement. They then look at Nutley to see if they can read his facial expression. They notice his translucent gray eyes water up with what looks to them, fond memories.
Nutley stifles a sniffle. He wipes a tear from his eye.. “Oh there must be ragweed here. My eyes are so watery now.”
Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol softly snicker at each other. There was no ragweed there.
“Erasmus its clear something touched a nerve.” they both chimed in.
“Yes Lady Lynda. I loved that albino alligator I owned when I was little boy. But my father and mother made me get rid of it.. They told it was getting too big for the house. Heck there was a good size creek behind the shed. Albie was the only thing I loved. I was eight when I first got him. I used to love to whoop down low to the ground and crawl around just like Albie. It was so much fun pretending I was a gator. Ever since I got rid of it I never felt close to anyone or anything. I loved how Albie would lick my face with its rough sandpaper tongue when I greeted her. Oh and how she slithered so low when I reached for her as she bathed in the backyard creek. And then they took her away. Now ever since I can’t imagine being anything but a curmudgeon.”
“Well I suppose we’ll skip the reptile house” said Auntie Carol Lady Lynda readily nodded.
“What are you crazy? You damn fools. You busybodies. I want to see that albino alligator. I want to see a reminder of my one love in my childhood. My one love in my life. Well maybe I can try to (sniff) relive those dear memories”
Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda look knowingly at each other. They know at last the truth behind Erasmus Nutley curmudgeon ways. It was a case of a long lost love that was so cruelly taken away form him by his misguided parents. All this time he was fearful of showing any attachment to anyone or anything for fear it would be taken from him. Now they understood what made him so darn crotchity. He still missed his albino alligator. Nutley was a sentimentalist after all.