Part 2 Grand Long Horn Hotel Encounter.

“Marry me you great big hunk of Texas manhood.”  the outlandish woman repeated to Dan D Walker.   We could live in my house.  I’m sure you’d feel right at home  My bedroom  contains a queen size Four Poster bed complete with a warm cozy comforter. Its warm earthy colors I know you’ll love. Just enogh room for the two of us.  I’m sure we’ll both feel so cozy in bed together.  And that’s only the beginning  I’m certain you know what I mean”

Her description of her sleeping area piqued Walker’s curiosity.  “What else you got in that bedroom of yours?” he drawled cautiously intrigued.   She was now becoming a teensy bi tmore appealing to him.   But just a teensy bit he firmly reminded himself.

“Well for one thing its very rustic.  The wall directly behind the good sized bed is made  of real oak wood paneling  Its from a tree native to the “Lone Star” state.   Its polished but it still looks really rugged.   The front posts are of knotty pine embedded in the wood wall.  Right on the wall is a rack made just for your favorite hunting rifle.  A big rugged man like you hunts?  Don’t you?  NRA all the way.  There’s lots of warm colored throw pillows that are the hues of  Autumn on a clear full moon night.  I’d love cuddling next to you  you epitomy of Texan masculinity   I bet your glorious manhood is as big as Texas.   I’d sure love to find out.  Us nekkid under that comforter.    Then when we get done our fun we can drink hot chocolate laced with Kentucky Bourbon.”

Dan D.  as he constantly did to get his thoughts together raised his head and stared with his lucid blue eyes , the night sky upon him and this wild woman.   He realized how late it was when he noticed the constellation “Orion” hovering over them.   It was as if the Greek myth character was looking down at them.   Walker wished that there was a guardian angel looking down at him.   Confused by his feelings toward the hussy made him recall how he recoiled in high school over public speaking class or debate class.  With his tongue tied way of speaking it was choosing between  listening to fingernails on a chalk board or a jackhammer only a foot away.

Yet despite his ambivalence the woman was starting to grow on him.  He couldn’t help noticing a part of him was growing too.    It wasn’t only what she said . He began to notice how sparkling her cornflower blue eyes were    How warm her smile was to him.   She did look as there would be a hell of a good time them being so close under the comforter.

“Okay Darlin’ show me what ya got   I’ll take you up on that offer.   Pour on the bourbon”


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Dan D. Walker Misadventure at the “Grand Long Horn Hotel”

Dan D. Walker swaggered into his room at the “Long Horn Grand Hotel” in Tyler TX . He smiled as he noticed the rough hewn furniture. He liked the raw hide comfy seats The rustic bed and firm mattress,pillows was to his joyful eyes the height of comfort. The warm crimson , sunny yellows and raw umber was the perfect color combination

He   suddenly noticed a soapy wash pail leaning against the wide screen TV. He assumed it was the maid’s. Dan. D. recalled his dear  mother taught to always be of help to others. He decided to walk to the hotel lobby to tell the management  about the pail. Walker figured he’d enjoy exploring the place where he stayed. Besides it would be much more personable to go in person vs calling on his room’s phone.

The Texan delighted in seeing the original George Caitlin Old West paintingson the cream colored walls. It felt good walking on the plush carpet.  Plus observing the stylish decor. wa It felt wonderful  he was staying in such a grand and  comfortable hotel.

Dan D. took a deep breath and breathed in his rugged chest the wondrous scent of  woodsy, spicy  cedar as he continued his walk.   It reminded him of the cedar closet when he was a little boy back in Flugleville Texas.

He grinned as he thought of how much was so changed in his life. From a lowly freak to staying in a fancy hotel. The one woman he was most thankful for was Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter toze. It was she who transformed him into what he is now, an air traffic controller.   What a major responsibility he beamed.

The harpie yelled to  him.  “Hey you handsome dude whatcha doin here?   Walker turned around to see  who she was .   His eyes opened wide as he stared at the gaudy woman.   She was dressed in faux leather cowgirl boots with little silver stars as spurs.  She wore a plaid gigham  shirt and an A  shaped denim skirt.  Her loud make up, intense cherry  lips,  peacock blue eye shadow , alone made him think didn’t she  believe in any subtlity   He recalled in high school a female student painted her face like that.  The boys would tease her and say it’s not Halloween.
Why him?  Why was he the chosen one ?  he groaned to himself.   Where did she come from?   He soon found out.

“I’m Desiree Lee Meriweather.   I knew you were my man when I first struck my pretty periwinkle blue eyes on you.  Moment you stepped into the hotel with your fancy genuine leather Texan style leather boots.  I could tell   I first came here at “Long Horn” about a week ago   I’m newly divorced but not new to well I hope you can get my drift, you big hunk of a real man”

Her loud nasely voice pierced his ear drums as painfully as any ear piercing  sans anesthetic.   Walker turned to and sighed when he saw the road filled rushing vehicles.   If  only there was a chance to flee from her clutching arms.

The woman made a mad dash after  him.   It wasn’t long until her portly body collided with him.   He fell on his backside .The Texan struggled  to get erect.   It was much more than  his pride that was hurt.   The corpulent woman was now on top of him.  His head ached and his body was as sore as an old work horse who  He was in such pain he didn’t know if he the stars were in her cow girl high heel boot stirrups or in the sky.   The last time he recalled feeling so sick in his stomach was when he ate his aunt Evelina’s banana cream pie.   He swore he loved his mom’s sister but he wouldn’t give that desert to his worst enemy ever in his life.

As he thought about that memory he wondered if there was a foe who sicced her on him.  Just then his eyes opened wide as he recognized her.   She was the woman at the Black Tie and Stetson ball.

“Yes I’m that woman.   I felt so neglected when you left with that hussy the only way I could comfort myself was to constantly eat cherry and dark chocolate Bon Bons.  Its because of you, you brute that I’m so fat.  You should be filled with shame Dan D.

“I didn’t force you to eat those Bon Bons.”

“If you’ll be close with me,  ….real close I’ll stop eating these.  Bon Bons)  Only thing I ask is you marry me  Dan. D. Walker.!!!”

Note: To be continued.

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Mimi Fifi-Lefarge meets the Jehovah’s Witnesses

FIFI  LeFarge had just indulged inone of her ultra stretches like one of the Siamese cats in her large, canopiedfour poster bed with the sex smell still on her.  Who could be making a call at 8:30 inthe  morning?   She looked out ad saw two conservativelydressed black matrons (or chocolate drops as like to refer to them) at herfront door with lots of pamphlets.  “Thiscould be religious,” she mused.


The Jehovah’s Witnesses were startled to view her in a revealingchartreuse peignoir with her night make-up still on and her hair a tousledmess. For their own part they wore long flannel nighties and slathered theirfaces with Pond’s cream before bedding down, And don’t forget the pink hair rollers.


“Come in, come in, my darlings.   Iknow you’ve come to talk to me about God. Jesus that cute little sloe eyed man is one of my favorite people. Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.”  She proffered then a slug of Remy from hersilver flask which they refused.  It didn’tstop her from taking a generous pull.


“I think coffee would be more apropos at this hour.  Follow me into thekitchen and we’ll have our little chat.  She lit one of the many Gitaines she smoked for the day and hacked acough. 

“Be mindful of the rugs:  the maidtripped on one and broke her leg.”

“What you say there’s no Jesus only God and if I don’t believe your wayI’ll sizzle in Hell.  That He was onlyMary and Joe’s carpenter son and not the Son of God.   Is it the Virgin Birth thing.  Well. I had one at fourteen and we gave it upfor adoption.  So it’s probable and evenlikely.   Well. There’s such a thing ascognitive  dissonance, believing twoopposite things at once.   You’ve got toadmit that thing in Calgary was a case or really putting your money where  mouth yourwas…. Oh, I am upsetting you.   Here havea mint Milano.   Well, you want to leavein a huff, too.  Don’t trip on the rug.   It’s just that God is so invisible…And Jesus is such a hunk.”

And, the yelled “God Bless” at their retreating backs

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1TAE Surfer Bar

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  “Oy, Vey,” said Lady Lynda toAuntie Carol, “Did you see the write up in the Daily Courier about FIFI LeFarge’s wedding to her forty year oldmanservant?”

“Yes, and I quote, Announcing the wedding of Madame FIFI LeFarge to herManservant, Norman FickenZieAuf, on March 3 @ The Cathedral of Paul and Mary inMalvern, PA. at 2:00 pm.  The receptionwill be held at the Au Courant Ristorante at 1819 Sanson Street Philadelphia. 5:00  With typical savoir faire,Madame LeFarge said, ”We’ve been shacking up for years: it’s time to make itlegal. I want him to inherit the estate.  I may go PFFT any day now. We’re almost Oedipal as I’m old enough to behis grandmother”.


It might be prescient to describe Madame. Platinum blond, hair reminiscent of Jean Harlow.  A fashion face structure with azure eyes.  Thin as a match stick: eating was for theproletariat.

Madam was fortified with a silver embossed flask of Remy at all times yetnever got stupid drunk and  she chainsmoked Gitaines.

Always stylish, she wore a backless Vera Wang gown with diamond strappedJimmy Chu shoes and he wore…what the hell do you care what he wore.  The usualfor a philosophy major from Penn. Understated.


The wedding was splendid all in silver and white  and the Governor and Mayor were inattendance.  She was known as The DameLargesse of the Main Line. The little red headed flower girls skipped down theaisles sprinkling rose petals all over.  The parishioners were aghast looking like the little screaming man fromMunch’s painting.  The nuptuals werebrief.

Being mostly aged they had the aspect of statues from Madam Tussaud’s WaxMuseum.  There was some twittering ofdisapproval but Madame didn’t give a shit.


There was one unpleasant incident at the reception.  A relative who looked like a  fat, balding, file clerk abruptly announced,“She was always a slut,” before passing out in his soup.

She replied, “That’s okay, darling because I’m the one with the money.”

Stony silence. Then laughter.

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The Black Orchid’s Christmas

Hello, I am The Black  Orchid, immortal and spawn of lions  My mother mated  with a lion.  I am like most other women save for my talons instead or fingernails, and  my hunting of small animals, killing them with my bare hands.  I yearn to run and feast on them after the hunt.  I love the blood lust.   I am three thousand    years old.   I summoned a redbird from  a tree to land on my forearm that I might pluck a feather from it. I  love the beauty of the animals,  and crisp white winter landscape.  I let my polar bear coat fall revealing my nudeness underneath.  I yearn for the brutal feel of frost on my nude body.  Life can be harsh and I relish it.  One should never be too soft like a chocolate cherry.
I step out of my fur lined boots and the cold pierces my feet and I am thrilled.  Overhead a gaggle of wild geese honks their way across the gray snow pocked sky and below me on the gold Carp swim in icy nothingness.  I can see my breath in the air like blue smoke.   In the distance I hear sleigh bells, and the tinny laughter of little children.
I see movement in the bushes and I start my chase,  legs pounding, heart racing,  I advance on the hare, perhaps the Easter Bunny.  I grasp her by the throat and  break her neck.  Then I devour her like a glutton, ripping her every sinew apart.  Then when the sun drops like a bloody ball from  the sky I head back to prepare for my Christmas  Eve Party.  It will be my serfs and the girls,  Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol, and Wanda Lust, Ex-Crack Whore, and their spouses.  The featured drink will be Remy And Eggnog,  There will traditional fare with  game animals like elk and deer, and all manner of vegetables, breads and pies. We shall decorate a thirty foot Blue  Spruce tree.  My acolytes  will wear black and red  leather loin cloths and nothing else Less is more, My Darlings,   And Merry Christmas, Lovies!

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Haut Dogs

Seymour Toze eyes widened with wonderment as he gazed at the rustic interior of the Hautdogs restaurant. The place looked as grand as the finest steak houses in NYC. Toze stared at the high domed ceiling. He grinned with delight at the modern teak wood chairs and tables. Sophisticated yetcomfy he thought. The full high end liquor cabinet he noticed was the same kind of wood as the chairs. He reflected how the sameness gave the place a sense of stylish unity.

He sweetly smiled at his wife. “Yes my darling Lady Lynda. I noticed Foot from us is the fully stocked wine cellar. It’s filled with the most sophisticated windes from NY state, Napa Valley California, France, Italy, Spain. You know foot from us reminds of my pedicures.I love its formal wear only. A tie is appreciated but not required. And women must wear either a dress or a skirt and blouse or top. No sneakers. Heaven forbid. No ruffians here indeed.”

“His wife Lady Lynda gushed “Yes No male teens exposing their gluteous maximus” We deserve to be here you and I. We earned our right to imbibe the delectable hautdogs and potent potables. Both of us paid our dues. I am so proud of you suggesting we dine here. My love, Seymour Toze. They serve brats but they don’t serve brats” Lady Lynda chuckled at her witticism

“Only purist of intensions for you my darling Out of all the fine dining you could pick I truly believe it was the right choice The décor the epitomy of sophistication. The cuisine is superb Why should we eat elsewhere?” Toze asked rhetorically.

This place received rave reviews.No wonder its so crowded” as she quickly perused the many occupied tables and vermillion leather and polished wood booths.

“If someone doesn’t come over I’ll be raving mad Lady Lynda snapped in a ladylike manner. The service here is as slow as dial up internet. Its the world wide wait staff wait” she fumed.

“Remember patience is a virtue. The chef and cooks want the hautdogs, wieners and brats to be the epitomy of delectability. This place is to hotdogs as is “Strip House” is to steak.” replied Lady Lynda’s husband.

Seymour’s wife gasped when she heard her husband mention strip house. Why did he mention those places of ill repute she wondered.

“I’m truly looking forward to getting into my mouth six inches of juicy succulent,firm hautdog.” mentioned Lady Lynda licking her lips with joyful anticipation.

“I sense a feeling of jealousy Seymour dearest. I’m only describing my jubilance in sinking my teeth into such meaty tasty hautdogs. ”

“I just wish I could get some waitress attention.” sighed Seymour Toze.

“Why did you insist on waitress? The waiters are as competent.”? queried Lady Lynda a bit miffed.

“Okay waitress, waiter, waitperson, waitstaff, whatever” Perusing this sophisticated menu is making me famished

Seymour Toze chose the Deluxe Ethan’s Famous with authentic baseball park mustard, classic relish. His wife decided on the Vienna Weiner on the whole wheat roll. They both thought it was so delightful there were vegan hautdogs on the menu for those inclined.

The waiter finally came. Seymour stifled the desire to say he was famished. Lady Lynda knowing this smiled knowingly at her mate.  They told him their selections.

Soon their orders came. The couple thought the entrees looked scrumptious. They quickly said grace and dug in.

“Oh Seymour I am thoroughly enjoying eating my dog” Lady Lynda mumbled between tasty morsels of sheer enjoyment. Seymour Toze wholeheartedly thought the same as he bit into each succulent bite. They were so pleased with their meal they eagerly wanted to go back as soon as possible.

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A Lady’s Dilemma

A Lady’s  Dilemma
 Auntie Carol sometimes marveled at the ease Herman Sherman shifted into Emma Enigma, his alter ego.  Herman was a hermaphrodite who had two separate identities, that of a man and that of a woman.  Herman was an A type male who was both brusque and kind.  He was a homebody who enjoyed all things, domestic, such as home cooked meals and quiet nights with a book and a snifter of Remy.  He adored Auntie Carol and showed it constantly by word and deed.  Herman, could be domineering at times but Auntie Carol never contradicted him outright but she did a water on stone metamorphosis on him.  She gently wore him down.  He was a very conventional man in the sexual sense or the “lay down: spread ‘em” school of sexuality.
Emma, his female personae,  was wry, witty, and perverse.  Nothing  got past Emma, who was preternaturally intelligent, could not be manipulated.  She liked the night life and wearing “glam” clothes,  sequins, velvet, furs and diamonds. Emma had a very watery sense of morality, a “whatever the traffic will bear” kind of thing.  She was distinctly a “Vogue” type of  person: while Auntie Carol was a “Lady’s Home Journal” kind of woman.
Auntie Carol pampered Herman with warmth and affection. She treated Emma like a bomb that needed diffusing.  Emma liked witty, bitchy games of wit and  to challenge everything Auntie Carol did. They often argued deep into the night until they both were physically exhausted, and eventually, they both erupted into tears. Then they would fall into each other’s arms swearing eternal fealty. Then  Emma would get into her Dominatrix garb, a gold sequined bustier, diamond studded garter belt, green hose and high boots.  And she would demand that Auntie Carol bake her a cherry pie, get her a dish of chocolate gelato, or kiss her boots.  Her demands were varied  and sometimes very humorous like mooning the nosy neighbors. She only tapped Auntie Carol on the back with her cat o’ nine tails never drawing blood.    After all the drama they made love like natives from the isles
 of Lesbos.

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New Thrills for Lady Lynda and her husband Seymour Toze.

Both Lady Lynda, Seymour Toze felt quite mixed emotions thinking of the Rodeo.  Part of them were feeling it was an exhilerating experience.  Seymour especially liked the fancy scandily clad beauty queen baton twirlers  There was a pang of guilt too.  He justified himself by thinking he was only being true to his  manly nature.   Lady Lynda enjoyed the bronco riders, the clowns, the fancy horseback riders, everything except the pretty young women with barely any clothes on.

Yet with their enjoying there was a deep sense of guilt.  It was nothing to with anything regarding the show.  The concern was were they being frivolous. Was it okay for Toze to spend his hard earned wages. As it was now he worked two jobs.  One was a shoe salesman, pedicurist  the “Into Leather” shoe store. Plus his moonlighting as a fashion photographer of female models in open toed spikes and stilettos.  Yet he and his wife did deserve some enjoyment.  He recalled the saying that started with all work and no play.   He hoped for a solution

Seymore Toze sighed as he scratched his wispy burnt vermilion hued hair.  There must be a way out of this perplexing problem he morosely reflected.  He slightly grimaced in disapproval as he thought of how they were so consistent.  True they did go to the circus but that was so long ago. It just seemed that they were fated to watch their pennies. Not enjoy life.  Yet even with his pessimism Toze somehow felt the futre was not entirely bleak.  His mood was that of disapointment but there was an inkling of hope.

His wife Lady Lynda conversely saw the plight as a challenge.  It was her dutiful, wifely responsibility to come up with a idea for a way to enjoy themselves without breaking their budget  She clenched her fists in determination as she told herself she must be complete control of herself and never lose her thin spark of optimism, how ever little there was.  Just then like a sudden flash she decided to think of some entertainment possibilities

As she thought of them she beamed as her confidence gradually grew.  She quickly dismissed going to a professional sports game,  seeing a famous performer.  The half way decent seats were too expensive.  Going to the mall they could be tempted to overspend.  They could purchase items that could be impulse buys.  All that walking could be good exercise. It could get tiring too.  There must be a solution.  Suddenly she grinned as she experienced her aha moment.   They could go to the local pancake place and then see a bargain movie.  That would be absolutely perfect.  What a great idea!!! she proudly beamed.

“Seymour its perfection.   We can dine at the local pancake restaurant and then see a PG movie at our local movie theater.  Seymour’s wife waited eagerly for his response.  Her smiled turned to a frown as she saw the concerned look in his eyes.   It was not so much one of anger but of concern.   His limpid grey eyes zoomed into her’s as if they were missiles. He spoke slowly as if he wanted to make certain she understand. That she understood completely.
” Those teenaged hooligans use the F work as if its the only way to end every sentence. Its like their version of the period.” exclaimed Toze barely hiding his disgust.  And their parents should be ashamed of themselves for raising such ruffians.  Its true this country truly is going into a hell in a hand basket. No my sweetykins a pancake place is not for us proper folks” Seymour Toze firmly proclaimed.

Lady Lynda looked lovingly at her husband.   She believed he was telling her this for her own good.  One thing she hated, she told herself was hearing vulgar language.  what ever happened to expressions such as gosh, golly, gee and jiminy Cricket.  Those words were good enough for their generation.  It was so brilliant of Seymour to think of a possibility. It was clear he loved her enough to look out for her best interest.  The woman beamed with pride she married such a bright man.

They both thought they should put on their thinking caps to come up with a new idea.  Lady Lynda knew it was no use quarelling with her husband.  She made certain she wouldn’t suggest something inappropriate.   It was the wife’s duty to respect her spouse.  That meant to not disagree.  Her wifely responsibility was to listen to his wise words.

“What would you suggest Seymour?”

“I’m so pleased you want to know my sweet Lady Lynda.  I propose we dine at that new weiner restaurant a couple blocks from us “Diamond Dawgies”   Its a very pragmatic idea.  Its a charming little bistro that serves the most delicious hotdog delicacies.  But its not like the franks at those baseball stadiums with that plebian yellow mustard.  Plus they feature such tasty sauerkraut and.    Let’s go. I’m certain we’ll love dining there.

“I’m certain I’ll love this new dinging pleasure too.   Let’s do it.  (to be continued)

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