Lady Lynda and Seymour Toze are deliriously happy for Dan D. and Desiree

Lady Lynda enjoyed her back being massaged by her doting husband. She breathed languidly as she felt the firm pressure of his finger tips upon her tense spine. Her tenseness gradually disappeared. Seymour Toze’s wife gazed at the Victorian style Guardian angel painting on the wall directly opposite her. She noticed was how her wings hovered over the girl and boy and immediately was reminded how protective Toze was of her.

Her gaze at the painting intensified. Her eyes stared at the guardian angel’s wings hovered over the care free children. The woman began to notice there was a missing piece of the wooden bridge. The boy and girl were just past that gap. That’s what made the artwork so enchanting to Lady Lynda. It reminded her of how the little things mean so much to a marriage.

Seymour Toze meanwhile, noticed by the corner of his left eye , Lady Lynda wriggling, jiggling with delight in his strong arms. She moved to a rhythm that she was privy too. Seymour sensed her pleasure wasn’t slowing down any time soon. Toze thought for a moment still massaging his spouse , Lady Lynda suddenly jumped.

Mr Toze slowly inched his way toward those ten delightful pretties. He excitedly pictured himself giving those appendages a good tongue lashing. Seymour’s wife sighed as she imagined his Chi passing through like a dynamic lightning bolt through her Chakras. She thought of how wondrous it was her lovey dovey to tell her of the energy points of one’s spine. How sensual, how energizing and balancing.

“Ah yes, sweet ,bungling Daniel.” Lady Lynda declared. The Texan first introduced as being part of the “World’s Cheapest Freakshow” in that nasty named town in Amish country PA. Before coming to me he complained nobody understood him. I mean literally noone could comprehed a word he said. His accentwas as thick as maple syrup. He was considered a freak because while some Texans talk with strong accents, his was by far the strongest.”

Meanwhil eSeymour pressed down on his wife’s knobby tense spine. She smiled with delight. Toze replied he’d be delighted if he could feast upon her lower pretties sticking out at the end of her feet. Lady Lady replied I remember you lovingly stared at my toes when we first met in swim class in high school. Back then they were on the pudgy side Speaking of pudge I bought some no pudge fudge the other day. ”

“My dear Lady Lynda you’re changing the subject and I strongly suspect deliberately so. Lets not permit any bavardage. That is foolish, nonsensical talk. Can I help it if when I was twelve I observed a girl near my age rub her toes in front of me? She looked so delighted to me. I noticed how she breathed deeply with such happiness. She really….I mean really scratched her toesies. Later she told me it was athlete’s foot but by then that amourous image forever. I never dreamed I’d see such glorious toes until my lucky eyes laid down upon yours.”

“Oh Seymour you sure know how to compliment a lady I love the way you don’t boondoggle”

“Yes I sure do and your well worth it my hunny bunny dearest one. Your middle name of Honey fits you perfectly. You’re as sweet as sugar candy. Oh speaking of candy makes me so hungry. I’d love to feast on your precious tens. I thought you were utterly beautiful the moment I met you that fateful summer high school day”

Lady Lynda quickly turned around and began to observe her husband’s glint in his eyes. She definitely noticed the eagerness in his expression. She hoped he’d remember there was much to her than her toes. Suddenly the couple heard through their window heard some of the lyrics from Starland Vocal Band “Afternoon Delight” Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite” “Oh that is so improper. What ever happened to “Dance with me Henry”? Pop music is so distasteful. What ever happened to that delightful music of Lawrence Welk? Yes when there were melodies, harmonies and tasteful lyrics. Tasteful music went gone with the wind with Elvis Pretzel. Such disgusting gyrations. Oh Seymour Please sing to me” ”

“What do you want me to sing my dearest darling Lady Lynda? ” I’d love you to serenade me Sister Rosetta Tharp’s “Rock me in the cradle of our love”
“Oh I did so much good for Dan D. I deserve you to serenade me and to hold me tight. Oh you feel so good.”

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Dan D. Walker and Desiree Lee go to Lady Lynda’s Talk

The cavernojus room’s stucco  walls were painted an off kilter white. The not quite white gave the space an uneasy atmosphere.   The place was immaculate with absolutely no liyyrt on the black. white and scarlet  linoleum floor.  The combination of the walls and floor gave the site a rather sterile atmosphere.    The building where the room was was situated between the local city hall and the municipal police station.  Nearby was the main chain book store.   The interior of the room with its rows of sturdy metal and leather seat chairs was one of firm orderliness.    As if it held power over whoever was in it.

The setting came across to most patrons there as being one of anticipation.   The main door swung open to let in more guests of the lecturer  Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze.   Dan D. Walker and his lady friend sat near the front. Dan D. wore  a periwinkle blue paisley silk shirt underneath a silver hued fancy vest .   His leather belt bucket was oversized in gold leaf wth a silhoette of Texas.  His blue jeans went well with his slate grey wool tuxedo jacket.  On his head he proudly wore a genuine Stetson hat.  His boots were complete with real spurs and were of real rattlesnake skin.  Walker wanted to make certain he could hear his mentor’s every word so he could show Desiree Lee  exactl . how wonderful Lady Lynda was.

Desiree Lee Meriweather’s dress was mid way between her knees and ankles. It’s material was that of cotton and lace. There was a print of pink and powder blue little flowers.   Her full length sleeves ended in frilly Belgian lace. Her neck line was trimmed the same way .  It  consisted of six buttons so she could be as prim or daring as she chose.  Her choice was to be sexy but still be a lady.

It was quite stuffy there but the couple  didn’t mind a bit.   They were chomping  at the bit to hear the etiquette expert begin her talk.  Walker put his manly arm around his lady friend’s slender sloping shoulders.   The woman took a confident breath and swung her slender arm over his right shoulder too.

The window shades were drawn  to keep out the glaring sun outside.   This gave the room quite a sense of disquietude.   Conversely the patrons were thankful the brilliant light could not be shown its full strength

Desiree Lee Meriweather and the Texan sat  arm and arm united . Walker wore his fancy black tux with white Texan style threads and a black bolero tie.  His boots were genuine snakeskin.  Desiree’s dress was cotton gingham with a print consisting of fluer de lises.  They sat in the third row of twenty rows.  They wanted to be certain they heard every single word of the lecturer but still give the  woman space.    The couple and others were glad the air conditioning was finally switched on.  And that the sound was low enough not to  drown out the guest speaker’s words.  A  young man dressed in business casual told the crowd the talk would begin at most in five minutes.
Dan “I wonder what her talk is on?  You sure seem impressed with this lady.  I can’t wait for the AC to kick in   Sure is hot in here.   Feels like hell in here.

Wish we could guzzle down some cold Lone Star beer right now.
‘Big ones?  Big refreshing mugs.  Two big ones.  The way they were positioned right in front of him  , the mugs reminded Dan D. of his lady friend’s firm shapely jugs.

The woman with Dan D.  moved her lips as if she guzzling a refreshing mug of beer.   Dan D. Walker laughed at her imitation of drinking a mug of beer . He gave her a Texas style bear hug.  Looked at her with fondness and said lets head for the hills when the talk is over.   I can hardly wait for Lady Lynda to get out on that dern stage.

“Perfect timing Dan.   There she is now entering the stage.   Right then and there Lady Lynda primly entered the stage.  She was of medium height and stocky build.  Her brocaded rose printed satin suit hid pretty well her stocky build.  Her pumps clickity clacked noticeably on the polished oak wood floor.
‘”Good evening ladies and gentlemen  My talk is on  the issue of antinomy.   That is the presence of contradicting ideas from two equally knowledgeable experts.   Its not to be confused with antimony.   Antimony is a toxic metal. ….
“You sayin’ your anti money  What do you want Lady.  To go back to the barter system?  Hell yeah I work hard for my money.   As Barrett Strong sang “They say the best things in life are free but you can give them to  the birds and bees. I want money. That’s what I want.  Moneyyyyy That’s what I want.

Lady Lady tried  her utmost to get back her composure.
“Moving on lets continue.  I said antinomy not that other word”  she told the crowd fearful if she mentioned antimony she’d get the same or similar reaction.

Touched by his mentor’s plight Dan D. Walker shed a tiny tear down his cheek in sympathy of his mentor.   How could the crowd be so ignorant?    His face turned red with rage .  He wanted so much to show his lady friend how impressive Lady Lynda was.

The server came over and asked ‘Do you want your beer on the rocks.?’
‘I don’t know,’ Dan D. lady friend replied.  Its hard for me to concentrate now.  Those ignoramuses are making a mockery of that woman .
‘It’s all right.’ U;n sure she can handle it the pert server responded trying to be reassuring.

“I’ve seen dang thing but this sure takes the cake.  Especially when all Lady Lynda is doing is trying to help people better themselves.   I got to do something about this.
‘Yes  Dan  This experience is leaving a sour taste in my mouth”
‘Cut it out you hooligans,  you scoundrels.   You are the most uncouth folks I ever did see.”
‘Mind your own beeswax ’ one goth young woman said. . ‘I was being amused. I was having a fine time.’
‘Gosh dern you young lady this is my business.. You young folks don’t appreciate this kind, thoughtful woman trying her best to school ya. ”

The very next moment her husky six feet one boyfriend came marching over.  Dan D. Walker got out his chair and rose to his full manly six feet four height.  He gazed directly at the lady’s man   The young man instantly knew when he was licked.

‘All right. I was trying to protect my woman   I  know I’m no match for her.  Wasn’t too bright  of was it.”
“That was the brightest thing you ever said” replied Walker”
“Now lets listen to Lady Lynda’s talk in peace  You might learn to be a better man and your lady friend a better, more considerate woman.   ”

Lady Lynda smiled with gratitude and continued edifying the audience who were grateful for her edification.

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Part 2 Grand Long Horn Hotel Encounter.

“Marry me you great big hunk of Texas manhood.”  the outlandish woman repeated to Dan D Walker.   We could live in my house.  I’m sure you’d feel right at home  My bedroom  contains a queen size Four Poster bed complete with a warm cozy comforter. Its warm earthy colors I know you’ll love. Just enogh room for the two of us.  I’m sure we’ll both feel so cozy in bed together.  And that’s only the beginning  I’m certain you know what I mean”

Her description of her sleeping area piqued Walker’s curiosity.  “What else you got in that bedroom of yours?” he drawled cautiously intrigued.   She was now becoming a teensy bi tmore appealing to him.   But just a teensy bit he firmly reminded himself.

“Well for one thing its very rustic.  The wall directly behind the good sized bed is made  of real oak wood paneling  Its from a tree native to the “Lone Star” state.   Its polished but it still looks really rugged.   The front posts are of knotty pine embedded in the wood wall.  Right on the wall is a rack made just for your favorite hunting rifle.  A big rugged man like you hunts?  Don’t you?  NRA all the way.  There’s lots of warm colored throw pillows that are the hues of  Autumn on a clear full moon night.  I’d love cuddling next to you  you epitomy of Texan masculinity   I bet your glorious manhood is as big as Texas.   I’d sure love to find out.  Us nekkid under that comforter.    Then when we get done our fun we can drink hot chocolate laced with Kentucky Bourbon.”

Dan D.  as he constantly did to get his thoughts together raised his head and stared with his lucid blue eyes , the night sky upon him and this wild woman.   He realized how late it was when he noticed the constellation “Orion” hovering over them.   It was as if the Greek myth character was looking down at them.   Walker wished that there was a guardian angel looking down at him.   Confused by his feelings toward the hussy made him recall how he recoiled in high school over public speaking class or debate class.  With his tongue tied way of speaking it was choosing between  listening to fingernails on a chalk board or a jackhammer only a foot away.

Yet despite his ambivalence the woman was starting to grow on him.  He couldn’t help noticing a part of him was growing too.    It wasn’t only what she said . He began to notice how sparkling her cornflower blue eyes were    How warm her smile was to him.   She did look as there would be a hell of a good time them being so close under the comforter.

“Okay Darlin’ show me what ya got   I’ll take you up on that offer.   Pour on the bourbon”


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Dan D. Walker Misadventure at the “Grand Long Horn Hotel”

Dan D. Walker swaggered into his room at the “Long Horn Grand Hotel” in Tyler TX . He smiled as he noticed the rough hewn furniture. He liked the raw hide comfy seats The rustic bed and firm mattress,pillows was to his joyful eyes the height of comfort. The warm crimson , sunny yellows and raw umber was the perfect color combination

He   suddenly noticed a soapy wash pail leaning against the wide screen TV. He assumed it was the maid’s. Dan. D. recalled his dear  mother taught to always be of help to others. He decided to walk to the hotel lobby to tell the management  about the pail. Walker figured he’d enjoy exploring the place where he stayed. Besides it would be much more personable to go in person vs calling on his room’s phone.

The Texan delighted in seeing the original George Caitlin Old West paintingson the cream colored walls. It felt good walking on the plush carpet.  Plus observing the stylish decor. wa It felt wonderful  he was staying in such a grand and  comfortable hotel.

Dan D. took a deep breath and breathed in his rugged chest the wondrous scent of  woodsy, spicy  cedar as he continued his walk.   It reminded him of the cedar closet when he was a little boy back in Flugleville Texas.

He grinned as he thought of how much was so changed in his life. From a lowly freak to staying in a fancy hotel. The one woman he was most thankful for was Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter toze. It was she who transformed him into what he is now, an air traffic controller.   What a major responsibility he beamed.

The harpie yelled to  him.  “Hey you handsome dude whatcha doin here?   Walker turned around to see  who she was .   His eyes opened wide as he stared at the gaudy woman.   She was dressed in faux leather cowgirl boots with little silver stars as spurs.  She wore a plaid gigham  shirt and an A  shaped denim skirt.  Her loud make up, intense cherry  lips,  peacock blue eye shadow , alone made him think didn’t she  believe in any subtlity   He recalled in high school a female student painted her face like that.  The boys would tease her and say it’s not Halloween.
Why him?  Why was he the chosen one ?  he groaned to himself.   Where did she come from?   He soon found out.

“I’m Desiree Lee Meriweather.   I knew you were my man when I first struck my pretty periwinkle blue eyes on you.  Moment you stepped into the hotel with your fancy genuine leather Texan style leather boots.  I could tell   I first came here at “Long Horn” about a week ago   I’m newly divorced but not new to well I hope you can get my drift, you big hunk of a real man”

Her loud nasely voice pierced his ear drums as painfully as any ear piercing  sans anesthetic.   Walker turned to and sighed when he saw the road filled rushing vehicles.   If  only there was a chance to flee from her clutching arms.

The woman made a mad dash after  him.   It wasn’t long until her portly body collided with him.   He fell on his backside .The Texan struggled  to get erect.   It was much more than  his pride that was hurt.   The corpulent woman was now on top of him.  His head ached and his body was as sore as an old work horse who  He was in such pain he didn’t know if he the stars were in her cow girl high heel boot stirrups or in the sky.   The last time he recalled feeling so sick in his stomach was when he ate his aunt Evelina’s banana cream pie.   He swore he loved his mom’s sister but he wouldn’t give that desert to his worst enemy ever in his life.

As he thought about that memory he wondered if there was a foe who sicced her on him.  Just then his eyes opened wide as he recognized her.   She was the woman at the Black Tie and Stetson ball.

“Yes I’m that woman.   I felt so neglected when you left with that hussy the only way I could comfort myself was to constantly eat cherry and dark chocolate Bon Bons.  Its because of you, you brute that I’m so fat.  You should be filled with shame Dan D.

“I didn’t force you to eat those Bon Bons.”

“If you’ll be close with me,  ….real close I’ll stop eating these.  Bon Bons)  Only thing I ask is you marry me  Dan. D. Walker.!!!”

Note: To be continued.

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Mimi Fifi-Lefarge meets the Jehovah’s Witnesses

FIFI  LeFarge had just indulged inone of her ultra stretches like one of the Siamese cats in her large, canopiedfour poster bed with the sex smell still on her.  Who could be making a call at 8:30 inthe  morning?   She looked out ad saw two conservativelydressed black matrons (or chocolate drops as like to refer to them) at herfront door with lots of pamphlets.  “Thiscould be religious,” she mused.


The Jehovah’s Witnesses were startled to view her in a revealingchartreuse peignoir with her night make-up still on and her hair a tousledmess. For their own part they wore long flannel nighties and slathered theirfaces with Pond’s cream before bedding down, And don’t forget the pink hair rollers.


“Come in, come in, my darlings.   Iknow you’ve come to talk to me about God. Jesus that cute little sloe eyed man is one of my favorite people. Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.”  She proffered then a slug of Remy from hersilver flask which they refused.  It didn’tstop her from taking a generous pull.


“I think coffee would be more apropos at this hour.  Follow me into thekitchen and we’ll have our little chat.  She lit one of the many Gitaines she smoked for the day and hacked acough. 

“Be mindful of the rugs:  the maidtripped on one and broke her leg.”

“What you say there’s no Jesus only God and if I don’t believe your wayI’ll sizzle in Hell.  That He was onlyMary and Joe’s carpenter son and not the Son of God.   Is it the Virgin Birth thing.  Well. I had one at fourteen and we gave it upfor adoption.  So it’s probable and evenlikely.   Well. There’s such a thing ascognitive  dissonance, believing twoopposite things at once.   You’ve got toadmit that thing in Calgary was a case or really putting your money where  mouth yourwas…. Oh, I am upsetting you.   Here havea mint Milano.   Well, you want to leavein a huff, too.  Don’t trip on the rug.   It’s just that God is so invisible…And Jesus is such a hunk.”

And, the yelled “God Bless” at their retreating backs

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  “Oy, Vey,” said Lady Lynda toAuntie Carol, “Did you see the write up in the Daily Courier about FIFI LeFarge’s wedding to her forty year oldmanservant?”

“Yes, and I quote, Announcing the wedding of Madame FIFI LeFarge to herManservant, Norman FickenZieAuf, on March 3 @ The Cathedral of Paul and Mary inMalvern, PA. at 2:00 pm.  The receptionwill be held at the Au Courant Ristorante at 1819 Sanson Street Philadelphia. 5:00  With typical savoir faire,Madame LeFarge said, ”We’ve been shacking up for years: it’s time to make itlegal. I want him to inherit the estate.  I may go PFFT any day now. We’re almost Oedipal as I’m old enough to behis grandmother”.


It might be prescient to describe Madame. Platinum blond, hair reminiscent of Jean Harlow.  A fashion face structure with azure eyes.  Thin as a match stick: eating was for theproletariat.

Madam was fortified with a silver embossed flask of Remy at all times yetnever got stupid drunk and  she chainsmoked Gitaines.

Always stylish, she wore a backless Vera Wang gown with diamond strappedJimmy Chu shoes and he wore…what the hell do you care what he wore.  The usualfor a philosophy major from Penn. Understated.


The wedding was splendid all in silver and white  and the Governor and Mayor were inattendance.  She was known as The DameLargesse of the Main Line. The little red headed flower girls skipped down theaisles sprinkling rose petals all over.  The parishioners were aghast looking like the little screaming man fromMunch’s painting.  The nuptuals werebrief.

Being mostly aged they had the aspect of statues from Madam Tussaud’s WaxMuseum.  There was some twittering ofdisapproval but Madame didn’t give a shit.


There was one unpleasant incident at the reception.  A relative who looked like a  fat, balding, file clerk abruptly announced,“She was always a slut,” before passing out in his soup.

She replied, “That’s okay, darling because I’m the one with the money.”

Stony silence. Then laughter.

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The Black Orchid’s Christmas

Hello, I am The Black  Orchid, immortal and spawn of lions  My mother mated  with a lion.  I am like most other women save for my talons instead or fingernails, and  my hunting of small animals, killing them with my bare hands.  I yearn to run and feast on them after the hunt.  I love the blood lust.   I am three thousand    years old.   I summoned a redbird from  a tree to land on my forearm that I might pluck a feather from it. I  love the beauty of the animals,  and crisp white winter landscape.  I let my polar bear coat fall revealing my nudeness underneath.  I yearn for the brutal feel of frost on my nude body.  Life can be harsh and I relish it.  One should never be too soft like a chocolate cherry.
I step out of my fur lined boots and the cold pierces my feet and I am thrilled.  Overhead a gaggle of wild geese honks their way across the gray snow pocked sky and below me on the gold Carp swim in icy nothingness.  I can see my breath in the air like blue smoke.   In the distance I hear sleigh bells, and the tinny laughter of little children.
I see movement in the bushes and I start my chase,  legs pounding, heart racing,  I advance on the hare, perhaps the Easter Bunny.  I grasp her by the throat and  break her neck.  Then I devour her like a glutton, ripping her every sinew apart.  Then when the sun drops like a bloody ball from  the sky I head back to prepare for my Christmas  Eve Party.  It will be my serfs and the girls,  Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol, and Wanda Lust, Ex-Crack Whore, and their spouses.  The featured drink will be Remy And Eggnog,  There will traditional fare with  game animals like elk and deer, and all manner of vegetables, breads and pies. We shall decorate a thirty foot Blue  Spruce tree.  My acolytes  will wear black and red  leather loin cloths and nothing else Less is more, My Darlings,   And Merry Christmas, Lovies!

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Haut Dogs

Seymour Toze eyes widened with wonderment as he gazed at the rustic interior of the Hautdogs restaurant. The place looked as grand as the finest steak houses in NYC. Toze stared at the high domed ceiling. He grinned with delight at the modern teak wood chairs and tables. Sophisticated yetcomfy he thought. The full high end liquor cabinet he noticed was the same kind of wood as the chairs. He reflected how the sameness gave the place a sense of stylish unity.

He sweetly smiled at his wife. “Yes my darling Lady Lynda. I noticed Foot from us is the fully stocked wine cellar. It’s filled with the most sophisticated windes from NY state, Napa Valley California, France, Italy, Spain. You know foot from us reminds of my pedicures.I love its formal wear only. A tie is appreciated but not required. And women must wear either a dress or a skirt and blouse or top. No sneakers. Heaven forbid. No ruffians here indeed.”

“His wife Lady Lynda gushed “Yes No male teens exposing their gluteous maximus” We deserve to be here you and I. We earned our right to imbibe the delectable hautdogs and potent potables. Both of us paid our dues. I am so proud of you suggesting we dine here. My love, Seymour Toze. They serve brats but they don’t serve brats” Lady Lynda chuckled at her witticism

“Only purist of intensions for you my darling Out of all the fine dining you could pick I truly believe it was the right choice The décor the epitomy of sophistication. The cuisine is superb Why should we eat elsewhere?” Toze asked rhetorically.

This place received rave reviews.No wonder its so crowded” as she quickly perused the many occupied tables and vermillion leather and polished wood booths.

“If someone doesn’t come over I’ll be raving mad Lady Lynda snapped in a ladylike manner. The service here is as slow as dial up internet. Its the world wide wait staff wait” she fumed.

“Remember patience is a virtue. The chef and cooks want the hautdogs, wieners and brats to be the epitomy of delectability. This place is to hotdogs as is “Strip House” is to steak.” replied Lady Lynda’s husband.

Seymour’s wife gasped when she heard her husband mention strip house. Why did he mention those places of ill repute she wondered.

“I’m truly looking forward to getting into my mouth six inches of juicy succulent,firm hautdog.” mentioned Lady Lynda licking her lips with joyful anticipation.

“I sense a feeling of jealousy Seymour dearest. I’m only describing my jubilance in sinking my teeth into such meaty tasty hautdogs. ”

“I just wish I could get some waitress attention.” sighed Seymour Toze.

“Why did you insist on waitress? The waiters are as competent.”? queried Lady Lynda a bit miffed.

“Okay waitress, waiter, waitperson, waitstaff, whatever” Perusing this sophisticated menu is making me famished

Seymour Toze chose the Deluxe Ethan’s Famous with authentic baseball park mustard, classic relish. His wife decided on the Vienna Weiner on the whole wheat roll. They both thought it was so delightful there were vegan hautdogs on the menu for those inclined.

The waiter finally came. Seymour stifled the desire to say he was famished. Lady Lynda knowing this smiled knowingly at her mate.  They told him their selections.

Soon their orders came. The couple thought the entrees looked scrumptious. They quickly said grace and dug in.

“Oh Seymour I am thoroughly enjoying eating my dog” Lady Lynda mumbled between tasty morsels of sheer enjoyment. Seymour Toze wholeheartedly thought the same as he bit into each succulent bite. They were so pleased with their meal they eagerly wanted to go back as soon as possible.

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