Erasmus Nutley Puts on the Dog (Christmas)


He was so excited: people were coming to see him. It was stupendous! It was outré!
He was so meticulous about his huge trust. He never overspent and never gave so much as a nickel to a beggar, calling them lazy ne’er do wells, and junkies. He was, in fact, one of those people who think they Could take it with them. He was nothing to no one and vice versa. He was penniless profound and pound foolish. Like the Paul Simon lyrics, “I am a rock; I am an island and a rock knows no pain.”

And here he was planning a lavish do for his two only friends Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. They opened up the world to him and he was drinking it in like a sweet nectar. They had captured his miserable, miserly self, All those lonely hours reading in Aramaic, ancient obscure texts about the Old World. And the countless stories of serial killers, his guilty pleasure. They were all solitary souls…like him. Frankly, Auntie Carol, said in confidence to Lady Lynda, “With that attitude, what keeps him off buildings with a rifle?” Anyone who answers the phone with “What is it now?” has got to have a problem.

And now he was throwing a blast out, no holds barred party for his two beloved friends. The aqua velva in his veins had turned to blood. The door bell rang and he thought, “I am so debonair in my silk smoking jacket and black tux pants. Like Ronald Coleman.” Lady Lynda and Auntie, looked like aging Barby Dolls with their big hair, turquoise eye shadow and little white gloves. “A lady is not complete without her gloves, her compact, and her smelling salts. The vapors, you know,” thought Auntie Carol.

The third woman he did not know. In her black silk mini dress, high kicky boots and dripping with diamonds, she resembled a model out of Italian Vogue, only more muscular. She had that predatory aura of the big cats so wild and hungry were her emerald eyes. He noted she had black talons instead of fingernails Curiously Strange. He felt s lump in his throat and could not find his words.

Well this woman, known as the Black Orchid, “Well, Darling, are you going to let us in? I’m cold as a witch’s tit on w windy hill.” With that he stepped aside and took their
fur coats to the master bedroom brushing the now off with his hands.
“Well, who is this magnificent creature you have brought with you?”

“I am The Black Orchid, she countered, and squeezed his hand. It was painful as people who have lion DNA do not realize their strength. He was glad for the release. And she slowly and languorously took good measure of him as a man and it made him feel like a wild animal was considering him as prey. She smelled of spices and the sex scent. Erasmus had a blob of a face, the face of a file clerk, unremarkable, and he had a receding chin. He was thin and frail like an orphan. He had the posture of someone who rings church bells for a living. She thought, “Blue Heron and 38, still a virgin. That can be changed..”

So Erasmus brought on the Brandy and Benedictine toute de suite to warm them as they sat on his Henry XIV couch next to a raging fire in the fireplace. He said they would have Cabernet with dinner and desert wines for after dinner such as Sambuca, Peppermint Schnops, and Kahlua. He had turkey, ham and a goose, cornbread stuffinng, candied yams, mashed potatoes, and green beans Almandine. And there were three delicious deserts. Lady Lynda remarked at how much he had changed.

In reply, he said, ”We didn’t celebrate Christmas at my house. Dad said it was a capitalistic device to get people to empty their pockets. Too commercial. So I had to watch the other kids and their families share this holiday and I hated them for it. Still do. Dad said there was no Santa and mom was too busy with her acting career to pay any attention to me. I was not allowed to invite friends over. Occasionally father would take me to the stock market to see money fly as he said. So I raised myself. There was no warmth, no caring. We were outrageously rich, though and if people didn’t succeed, Dad said it was all their fault.”.

“Come here and get a group hug,” said Lady Lynda. And it happened. The Black Orchid tongued him in the ear and gave him a grind. “Let’s tell him now,” she said.

“Listen, Erasmus, at midnight we will get a special visitor,” said The Black Orchid.

“Ed Gein. Charlie Manson, Heidnick”, replied Erasmus

“Yes, all three. I hear you speak Aramaic. Say, I love you It’s my native tongue.”

“Native tongue? That can’t be. You look about thirty. Your skin is wrinkle free and the blue white color of skim milk.”

“I have been around s long time. Best you don’t ponder it,” said The Black Orchid, I’m VSOP. Very Special, old and pale,”

Erasmus felt frightened when she announced that her mother, a tribal shaman got with a lion to “begat” her.

“So, that’s why I’m prey when she looks at me and she’s immortal,” He was having a hard time processing this information, took a big shot of brandy and passed out

When he came to, Santa was taking his pulse. He wore a red plaid L.L. bean shirt with jeans with a Santa hat. “Now, there’s a good fella. I understand you don’t believe in me.

Erasmus said he was an actor and he didn’t appreciate his friends playing with his head, Santa then waved his hand in the sir and an entire Lionel train set appeared in front of the fire. “Can an actor do that? I think:therefore I am. I Yam that I Yam. One potato to another. Little joke for you This was what you wanted at seven. Your parents refused to let me come into your life such as it was.”

”Yeah, well guess what? I’m still a curmudgeon. I think welfare mothers should all find jobs. Lackadaisical ladies.” said Erasmus.

“I rather like your wit, Erasmus. Life is not always fair. You are very lucky to have such good friends. Other people are not so lucky. Fate can play some mean tricks on people.” said Santa. Erasmus felt the gentleness wand warmth of the old Elf and a tear rolled down his cheek, and he flushed pink with embarrassment.

“Don’t be ashamed of the tear, hon, Only weak, brittle people can’t cry. Now Santa and I have some business to conduct upstairs if you copy that. I want to find out if it’s okay to be naughty not nice,” said The Black Orchid.

During the tete a tete, the girls and Erasmus helped themselves to the delicious food and he fidgeted like a man standing before a firing squad. He intuited that The Black Orchid had plans for him.

“Don’t worry dear,”said Lady Lynda. “You remember the first time you had ice cream and how wonderful it was. Sex is like that.

Forty-five minutes later, they both came down and she was wearing an emerald necklace and ear rings, A rank smell of rotted oranges emanated from her. She wordlessly took his hand and led him up the stairs.

Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda said in unison,”BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.”

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Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol kindly take the Curmudgeon Erasmus Nutley to the Zoo.

.Erasmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol pay their admission fees and now walk into the main grounds of the local zoo. They are at the crossroads of the mammal house, the small mammal house, the primate house, the pachyderms and the sea mammals. It is a warm sunny, beautiful day.
“Well here we are at the zoo. I hope you’re satisfied dragging me here. Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. Why do you go by the name Lady Lynda anyway. We’re not in the UK You’re not royalty. And Auntie Carol. I can’t make any sense out of what you call yourself.

“Its easy to explain. I’m always a Lady.”

“Yes even when you were cheating on your husband.”

“You know I went back to him. Besides I was discreet. “

Nutley sneered “Thank goodness for small favors. Like luring me to this literally beastly place.”

Auntie Carol gulped. “I thought you’d like it here. You seemed so fascinated by your cockroach collection. Dan D. Walker told me it was inspired by the cockroach museum down in Plano Texas.

The curmudgeon sighed a heavy sigh. “Those industrious creatures are a true inspiration to me.”

The women discreetly wiped a tear from their eyes Touched by his genuine sentiment.

And you never told why you call yourself Auntie Carol. He harumphed.

“If you must know its because I try to be friendly to everyone Like I’m their favorite relative.”

“You are assuming a lot. For all you you could be talking to man or woman in a dysfunctional family. Did you ever think of that? “

Auntie Carol looked at the Zoo’s directional signs to get her mind off being with Nutley. Lady Lynda took out her compact and daintily dabbed some rouge on her cheeks to distract herself from entertaining second and third thoughts inviting Erasmus there.

Suddenly there is an announcement on the loud speaker. For a limited time there is an exhibit of an albino alligator at the reptile house.

Eramsmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol turn their heads in the direction of the reptile house. The women nod at each other in agreement. They then look at Nutley to see if they can read his facial expression. They notice his translucent gray eyes water up with what looks to them, fond memories.

Nutley stifles a sniffle. He wipes a tear from his eye.. “Oh there must be ragweed here. My eyes are so watery now.”

Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol softly snicker at each other. There was no ragweed there.

“Erasmus its clear something touched a nerve.” they both chimed in.

“Yes Lady Lynda. I loved that albino alligator I owned when I was little boy. But my father and mother made me get rid of it.. They told it was getting too big for the house. Heck there was a good size creek behind the shed. Albie was the only thing I loved. I was eight when I first got him. I used to love to whoop down low to the ground and crawl around just like Albie. It was so much fun pretending I was a gator. Ever since I got rid of it I never felt close to anyone or anything. I loved how Albie would lick my face with its rough sandpaper tongue when I greeted her. Oh and how she slithered so low when I reached for her as she bathed in the backyard creek. And then they took her away. Now ever since I can’t imagine being anything but a curmudgeon.”

“Well I suppose we’ll skip the reptile house” said Auntie Carol Lady Lynda readily nodded.

“What are you crazy? You damn fools. You busybodies. I want to see that albino alligator. I want to see a reminder of my one love in my childhood. My one love in my life. Well maybe I can try to (sniff) relive those dear memories”

Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda look knowingly at each other. They know at last the truth behind Erasmus Nutley curmudgeon ways. It was a case of a long lost love that was so cruelly taken away form him by his misguided parents. All this time he was fearful of showing any attachment to anyone or anything for fear it would be taken from him. Now they understood what made him so darn crotchity. He still missed his albino alligator. Nutley was a sentimentalist after all.

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