Lady Lynda, Auntie Carol kindly take the Curmudgeon Erasmus Nutley to the Zoo.

.Erasmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol pay their admission fees and now walk into the main grounds of the local zoo. They are at the crossroads of the mammal house, the small mammal house, the primate house, the pachyderms and the sea mammals. It is a warm sunny, beautiful day.
“Well here we are at the zoo. I hope you’re satisfied dragging me here. Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol. Why do you go by the name Lady Lynda anyway. We’re not in the UK You’re not royalty. And Auntie Carol. I can’t make any sense out of what you call yourself.

“Its easy to explain. I’m always a Lady.”

“Yes even when you were cheating on your husband.”

“You know I went back to him. Besides I was discreet. “

Nutley sneered “Thank goodness for small favors. Like luring me to this literally beastly place.”

Auntie Carol gulped. “I thought you’d like it here. You seemed so fascinated by your cockroach collection. Dan D. Walker told me it was inspired by the cockroach museum down in Plano Texas.

The curmudgeon sighed a heavy sigh. “Those industrious creatures are a true inspiration to me.”

The women discreetly wiped a tear from their eyes Touched by his genuine sentiment.

And you never told why you call yourself Auntie Carol. He harumphed.

“If you must know its because I try to be friendly to everyone Like I’m their favorite relative.”

“You are assuming a lot. For all you you could be talking to man or woman in a dysfunctional family. Did you ever think of that? “

Auntie Carol looked at the Zoo’s directional signs to get her mind off being with Nutley. Lady Lynda took out her compact and daintily dabbed some rouge on her cheeks to distract herself from entertaining second and third thoughts inviting Erasmus there.

Suddenly there is an announcement on the loud speaker. For a limited time there is an exhibit of an albino alligator at the reptile house.

Eramsmus Nutley, Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol turn their heads in the direction of the reptile house. The women nod at each other in agreement. They then look at Nutley to see if they can read his facial expression. They notice his translucent gray eyes water up with what looks to them, fond memories.

Nutley stifles a sniffle. He wipes a tear from his eye.. “Oh there must be ragweed here. My eyes are so watery now.”

Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol softly snicker at each other. There was no ragweed there.

“Erasmus its clear something touched a nerve.” they both chimed in.

“Yes Lady Lynda. I loved that albino alligator I owned when I was little boy. But my father and mother made me get rid of it.. They told it was getting too big for the house. Heck there was a good size creek behind the shed. Albie was the only thing I loved. I was eight when I first got him. I used to love to whoop down low to the ground and crawl around just like Albie. It was so much fun pretending I was a gator. Ever since I got rid of it I never felt close to anyone or anything. I loved how Albie would lick my face with its rough sandpaper tongue when I greeted her. Oh and how she slithered so low when I reached for her as she bathed in the backyard creek. And then they took her away. Now ever since I can’t imagine being anything but a curmudgeon.”

“Well I suppose we’ll skip the reptile house” said Auntie Carol Lady Lynda readily nodded.

“What are you crazy? You damn fools. You busybodies. I want to see that albino alligator. I want to see a reminder of my one love in my childhood. My one love in my life. Well maybe I can try to (sniff) relive those dear memories”

Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda look knowingly at each other. They know at last the truth behind Erasmus Nutley curmudgeon ways. It was a case of a long lost love that was so cruelly taken away form him by his misguided parents. All this time he was fearful of showing any attachment to anyone or anything for fear it would be taken from him. Now they understood what made him so darn crotchity. He still missed his albino alligator. Nutley was a sentimentalist after all.

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Teaching Erasmus Nutley a Lesson.

That curmudgeon Erasmus Nutley makes Scrooge before he reformed seem like Mother Theresa” quipped Aunty Carol as she studied her Bridge hand. He certainly does make Ebeneezer Scrooge seem saintly” I wonder if Dickens ever imagined a character like Nutley. Yes he bought the cookies, but he still needs a lesson replied Lady Lynda as she tried to read her game partner’s poker face.

“It took an entire night of ghost therapy to make that crotchety miser Scrooge reform. That would be a real challenge to reform Erasmus.” opined her friend. “Yes that is most certainly true. Are you up to the challenge? Lady Lynda nodded yes.
“ Nutley is a tough nut to crack. I never met such a grumpy curmudgeon in my life. I see by your sour expressin Auntie Carol you second that opinion.” I’m concerned we may be painting ourselves into a corner. Well one thing we can do join heads to somehow get ahead. Let’s toss out ideas and see what ones stick.”

“He is a nut that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Its utterly shameful he is so filled with bitterness. He’d much prefer his mean spirited miserable thoughts to any ray of sunshine. Part of me pities him. My pity is wasted on him” quipped Lady Lynda.

“How ironic Erasmus Nutley is so rigid in his thoughts. He looked as stooped over and frail as a trembling lead. One that would break with the slightest ease. He’s a man whose one quality of consistency ia obstinacy” commented Auntie Carol. “His stinginess makes Hettie Greeen look like a philanthropist.” exclaimed Lady Lynda. Yes, even I, who tries her best to look for the good in others , is hard pressed to find anything noble in him. I suppose the one positive is he’s consistent in his thoughts. I bet he thinks How does one deal with a man like that? “Yes Lady Lynda Nutley holds onto his crankiness like it’s the only thing that makes him happy. He is like a little kid whose only joy is to make others miserable. If only we could teach him a lesson” “There must be a way. This will certainly be a challenge. Are we up to the task Lady Lynda? “Didn’t I reply that I was up to the challenge before?” Retorted Lady Lynda. The two spent the evening going over their plan. To teach Erasmus Nutley a most important lesson. Oh that’ll be rich teaching Nutley a lesson.
Oh Auntie Carol I am feeling a tinge of guilty. Nutley may not be capable of helping his curmudgeonly ways. Or perhaps he doesn’t know how. “Yes you may be right Lady Lynda and besides few people like to be cajoled. As Mary Poppins said “A spoonful of sugar.” Written by Lynda Appell

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Well, this be Ol’ Wanda Lust Ex-Crack Ho’.  I be tryin’ my hand at writin’.  Don’t know whether it’s good or shit feathers.  Well I be reportin’ on Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda and their meeting wid Erasmus Nutley, Curmudgeon, which mean grouchy ol’ man.  Ya see that got friends with children and the Girl Scouts havin’ a cookie drive.  Lady Lynda got a real soft heart and Auntie Carol aint got no heart, or so it seem.  Anyhoo,  Lady Lynda get stuck wid two hundred boxes of cookie to sell.  Damn!


The last house on their block was Erasmus Nutley’s mansion.  He open the door like he was expectin’  the Gestapo.  He say, “What do you want with me. I’m a very busy man.  If you’re Jehovah’s witnesses, I’m a devil worshipper!”  They notice how the thick wood door creak when  he open it like the sound of a crypt being opened. He a real curmudgeon.  This be code for “grouchy ol’ man”.  Then he say, “I have no interest in Girl Scouts.  They all grow up to become vixens!”

 Lady Lynda say she savin’ young girls from sin and degradation and that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world,  And Auntie Carol chime in sayin’ that youth be the future of America.


He laugh in their faces.”The world is doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past, you goody, two shoes woman.  Be gone. I have no use for charity.”

Lady Lynda with her foot in the door, brought on the big guns.  Meanin’ she left him have a coupla’ mint cookies.


This cookie is divine.  I’ll buy some.  As for the Girl Scouts, never done a damn thing for me and I don’t care if they ever do.” Said Erasmus. “Come in why don’t you.”


The house look like the Addams Family house wid gargoyls and other monstahs spread throughout the room.  He done got all the windows shut and curtains drawn with black velvet curtains.  It smell like a mortuary. He ’fraid someone see in they gone rob him.  They sits down on the antique green velvet sofa, and they notices the legs on his furniture are all claws, and the antique clock go coo coo on the hour complete wid’ this ratty little canary bird. He go off to git’ them some refreshments which turns out to be one tea bag to be shared and one oreo for each of ‘em.  He ‘splain that tea is going up twenty cents why he give only one bag. They looks around and see he got a bear head and a lion head stuffed and on the wall.


“People are wasteful and vainglorious, “ he say in his deep voice like Moses on the Mount. I best tell ya that he look like a blue heron wid his nose all beaky and little beetle eyes.  His mouth is on straight line with no fullness ‘bout it like some first grader done sketch it in  He got a hump on his back and lean into a cane, when he walk.  He walk like a robovac, like he got lil’ wheels on the bottom of his feet. Worst of all he have long yellow nails on his hands like talons and none too clean.  He wearin’ old timey pipe stem pants with a dingy tux shirt and a string bowtie.  I surmise he aint git out much.  Then something weird happen, he ast them would they like to try some absinthe.  Auntie Carol never turn down a drop of liquor her whole life and Lady Lynda go along for the ride.  They be charmin’ ladies and funny as all shit and pretty soon he be laughin’ like a hyena or was it cacklin’.


He ended up buyin’ ten boxes of cookies, short bread and chocolate mint, and he ast could he cook them dinner sometimes and they says sure and why not.  They bid him adieu each givin’ him a peck on the cheek.


Auntie Carol ast Lady Lynda what she thought he’d cook for them. She replied, “Black bird pie and eye of newt pudding.”  And busted out laughin’.

 Gal, I am through.  Peace Out!



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